What should you do if you're ever chased by a crocodile?
Well, you should run zigzag because the croc won't be able to follow that.
Why are barns red?
Well, that's where the slaughtering occurs, so the color matches the blood.
And did you know that between 1938 and 1945, Heinz released an alphabet soup only in Germany? It not only included every letter of the alphabet, but swastikas in every can as well. ... It was called pastika.
OK. All three of those "facts" are fiction, urban myths. But they're stuff Tom Waits earnestly explains in Innocent When You Dream: The Tom Waits Reader (2005) edited by Mac Montandon. I recommend the book because Waits is such a creative, innovative soul that he's a gust of fresh air bustling into my world in a time when folks appear obsessed with AI.
Honestly, I had no expectation this book would crack my Top 100 because of its format. It's a collection of interviews and stories connected to Waits from 1974 to 2004. Accidentally, many stories had me reminisce about the conventions of celebrity interviews, concert and album reviews. Those all are pretty much gone, or rare, nowadays in the era of scrolling, non-reading and perpetual ire.
While a handful of pieces in the 39-entry book fall flat, some are so magnificent that I recommend the book. OK, but feel free to go fast over the lame entries.
I first encountered Waits in 1992, when I got the album Bone Machine as a college freshman and absolutely loved it. It won Best Alternative Music Album Grammy that year, and I wholeheartedly agree with the choice. Weird, quirky, meaningful — Bone Machine remains my favorite Waits album, but a lot of his albums are pretty cool. By the way, he won his only other Grammy in 2000 with Mule Variations for Best Contemporary Folk Album.
If you don't know Waits, he's famous for his deep, raspy voice that can be divisive; you're likely to either love it or hate it. In the Tom Waits reader, writers described that voice in approximately one zillion different ways. I mean it's so distinctive that he successfully sued Frito-Lay for $2.6 million in 1990 after the company ripped off his music in a Doritos commercial. ... Wow.
What makes the book so enjoyable is that Waits simply is a different bird. He'll stay stuff that is equal parts bizarre, magical and borderline profound. Is it factually correct? Probably not. But so what? His words, his poetry, are an odd blend of fact and fiction that adds up to twisted and indisputable truths.
In one interview, Waits flat-out says that everybody mixes fact and fiction, and in essence, that's part of being human. "I just need to know two or three things about my neighbors, and that's it," he says. "I'll tell you their life story."
In his early years, Waits — or at least Waits' persona — lived the life of a hobo drunk in the mold of Charles Bukowski, and he was famous for that. He married Kathleen Brennan in 1980, and the two have been business partners, confidants and each other's worlds ever since.
Waits describes his wife Kathleeen as someone who "once worked as a Hollywood newscaster, a Cadillac dealership service manager, and a chauffeur; can fix motorcycles and fly airplanes; is a leading authority on African violets; and was on the verge of becoming a nun when we met."
Hey, man, I find that an exceptionally fun way to say, "I love my wife."
Waits is an utterly cool cat. Full stop. Who's cooler than Tom Waits?
He has an acting career to boot, and I've liked him most in Jim Jarmusch's Down By Law (1986) and Mystery Train (1989). He also was wonderful in Short Cuts (1993) and was great to see in Jarmusch's newer film Father Mother Sister Brother (2025). By the way, Waits' conversations with Jarmusch and fellow rock star Elvis Costello are among the most fascinating, and entertaining, pieces in the book I'm recommending.
I truly think Waits did his best work in the '90s and after he got sober in '95. I find it impossible to not have deep thoughts about him, and his place in American lore, after reading 39 passages connected to him.
To me, he eschews the disillusioned fake materialism of mainstream America. Everybody pretends to be richer than they are. Why? Just buy this. Just buy that. We'll all be saved. ... Waits rails against that culture.
Waits is adamantly non-commercial and accepts the fact that most Americans know they're being exploited on some level, accept that fact and embrace their lot in life, or their dive bar. They embrace the red and white tablecloths at their carb-forward greasy spoon.
While hip-hop stars yammer on and on about Mercedes Benzes while they don gold chains and gold teeth, Waits knows very well that there is brighter bling, and gold, on the low side of the road if you look at it the right way.
To Waits, and me, you can find way more gold at Mitzy's than the superficial fantasies pop stars spew. Mitzy's — officially known as Jerman's Cafe — on 38th and St. Clair, is where there used to be a classic vinyl jukebox but you still can get a $1.50 Pabst tall boy. You're not going to find $10k jewelry there, but you might find a toothless smile from a guy who shares your love of Cleveland baseball.
