European connections spurred on by cocktails

Many Americans are afraid of the French. Frequently, I've heard this phrase: "Paris is beautiful, but the French are so rude!"

I have never found that to be the case and in a recent trip to Spain and French, befriended a glorious artist named Augustin. He is very cultured and wears ascots.

As I dined with my girlfriend in various French restaurants, I prepared a speech to French servers if they ever were rude to either one of us.

My speech was this: "Listen, Frenchy, we gotta meet halfway, and you must follow my three rules. Number 1: You gotta cut the French b.s. Number 2: You must get us some goddamn creme brulee, and Number 3: You gotta stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about."

Luckily, I never had to present these three rules to any of the evil French.

When I ran across Augustin Frison-Roche, it was at an art opening of his in Bordeaux. I quickly discovered that not only was there art at his opening, but there was free wine. After about three glasses of this wine, I explained to him that not only did I love his ascot, but I loved the free wine. He looked confused as to who exactly I was and in French, most likely responded, "Who the hell are you?"

Ah, that Augustin -- what a kidder!

Strangely, I had a similar experience in Figueres, Spain, Salvador Dali's hometown. Staying at the Hotel Plaza Inn, owner Joaquin Falgas has a by-invitation-only party on the rooftop of his hotel every Saturday night. One look at my girlfriend and me, and, of course, we were invited to the party.

On the rooftop, overlooking the Dali Museum and Spain countryside, Joaquin thrust beer after beer at me and wine to my girlfriend. He gave us fish and shrimp. As we consumed, I realized that my perception was getting hazy, and I took several photos with Joaquin. This experience with Joaquin was much different, though, because unlike Augustin's odd French, I actually knew what Joaquin was saying in Spanish.

Most people rate their European trips based on the free drinks they receive, and for me, my voyage was topnotch. I also saw Barcelona, Bilbao, the running of the bulls in Spain and San Sebastian, but I must give it up to Augustin and Joaquin for the cocktails.

We love the Score in Cleveland

Back in the mid-90s, it was easy to make fun of Herb Score.

"There's a deep fly to center field. It's going, going. Wait a second. The shortstop Vizquel camps under the ball."

Herb Score also frequently said something that bordered on incomprehensible. He often said "down she low," which my friends and family deciphered to mean "down too low to be a strike."

OK. Herb was getting old at that point, but his voice brought calmness and happiness to Northeast Ohio. Herb was the Indians' broadcaster from 1968 to 1997, and it was easy to love him like our flawed Tribe. Yes, he mispronounced and forgot names now and again, but that added to his charm.

Memories of Herb Score are bouncing around for Snooze Button Generation CEO and founder Joe Stevens because he has been listening to Indians broadcasts this year on exotic Internet radio. The Tribe has been in first place in the American League Central for parts of the beginning of the season, and that's an unexpected bonus. Stevens feels at home and comforted by the voice and descriptions of Tom Hamilton, who worked with Herb from 1990 to 1997.

Herb Score's life story screams to be a film. In 1955, he notched 245 strikeouts, the most of any rookie. That record stood until Dwight Gooden came along in 1984. Herb was the American League Rookie of the Year in 1955 and an All-Star. In 1956, he was an All-Star again and had awesome statistics, going 20–9 with a 2.53 ERA and 263 strikeouts.

In May 1957, everything changed when he was struck in the face by a line drive and broke numerous bones in his face. He missed that entire season, and during his comeback, he tore a tendon in his arm. In essence, his career ended.

As a Cleveland sports fan, you are forced to subscribe to something called "love of the game." I would argue that being a Cleveland sports fan teaches humility and many key lessons to games and even life. Is the whole point - or only point - winning? It better not be, if you remain a Tribe fan.

Tom Hamilton, the current voice of the Indians, is a better, crisper announcer than Herb, but he certainly does not have the mystique that Herb had. In a tribute in The Cleveland Plain Dealer when Herb died in 2008, Hamilton was quoted as saying, "Herb tells me, 'Look, this isn't a very good team, but you can't let that affect how you do a ball game. Every game has to be treated equally.' It was the best advice I've ever gotten."

Herb's death in 2008 at age 75 followed 10 years of health problems that stemmed from an automobile accident in 1998, when he was driving to Florida one day after being elected into the Broadcasters Hall of Fame. He was severely hurt in the accident with a long list of injuries, including a fracture to the orbital bone around one of his eyes.

Hamilton has done an exemplary job for his 22 years with the Indians. He picked off great where the legend left off. "Down she low."

It's officially OK to be nostalgic about dial up

I am sick and tired of how fast the Internet is!

I would like to be reminded with a fun, 30-second array of crinkly sounds of how mystical the Internet is with the dial-up sound.

Yeah, maybe the additional time is a waste, and it might be annoying to hear that on smart phones. But most reasonable people would dig it. A lot of hipsters prefer the sound of vinyl records to anything digital, and I prefer the sound of dial-up Internet to the vapid silence of wireless.

We members of the Snooze Button Generation are in a curious spot when it comes to Internet technology. With dial-up Internet long gone, it is officially OK to be nostalgic about it. What does that dial-up sound make you think of?

A younger member of the Snooze Button Generation recently reminisced to me about how the sounds of dial-up immediately brought up memories of it being 2 a.m. at his parents' house and him preparing for a porno session. As I keep his name concealed, he reported that he preferred the longer loading time because it added an element of masturbatory romance.

My first dial-up experience came after I had moved out of parents' place, but the dial-up sound makes me think of when I lived in New York. Yeah, sure, a lot of people will say it's great that dial-up is dead and gone. But it would be pretty damn cool to see some dial-up routers appearing in vintage shops.

Sophie Stevens pumps it up

My baby is 7.

Of course, I am shocked at this ridiculously fast passage of time. Not so long ago, I was giving Sophie Stevens a bottle and napping with her lying on my chest. I imagine most parents go through these type of feelings, and although everyone says it: Man, time goes fast.

Sophie's birthday celebration was unique to me because it was the first time I had a birthday party for her outside the house. I had it at a place called "Pump It Up." It's full of classy indoor bounce houses, and the kids seem to love it. The adults like it, too, although we get injured when we go in the bounce houses.

Approximately five adults, myself included, partook in the bounce-house fun. Three of us bled. Curiously, none of the 12 kids at the party got hurt at all.Pump It Up was cool and all, and come to think of it, I don't remember ever having a birthday party outside of my home as a kid.

Strangely, I do not have much profound to say about Sophie's 7th birthday. I love her age now. We can do so much, and with Chloe 4, we have a lot of fun and can play a zillion games.

For a long time, I had an identity of some sort of writer guy, but now, my main identity is as a dad. I loved my childhood, and when the girls look back on theirs, I hope they feel the same. OK. Now it's time for some Neosporin on my elbow.

The Father of Garfield Heights

The worst year of my life ends today as I reflect on the unexpected and painful loss of the XMan.

One year ago today, the XMan passed away from a heart attack in Hilton Head, S.C. Time got funky for me when I heard the news. For some incomprehensible reason, I vividly recall every detail of the hour before hearing the news and the hour after. Who knew the hour before would remain so vivid?

The good news about today's date is that my mother has succeeded with her first step to some sort of recovery: She has survived the year.

Yeah, I'm not very religious, but the majority of the members of the Snooze Button Generation aren't either. Most SBG members are "spiritual not religious." I guess I'm that.

This entire XMan fiasco has made me realize there is much more in the world than meets the eye. I do not exactly know what the heck is beyond the human mind and physical world, but something is there. We are limited as humans. Right?

Something else I've realized is that heaven exists.Heaven is being a 10-year-old boy with a 15-year-old brother, beating the heat of a humid Cleveland summer by hanging out in our basement and playing APBA baseball. At about 6 p.m., the XMan would come home, get out of a suit and have dinner with the family. We'd then play APBA, or other games, until we had to go to bed. I can hardly think of a better way to spend a day - or childhood.

For a long stretch of my youth, the XMan was practically "The Father of Garfield Heights." He was me and my friends' official quarterback in pickup football games. He coached our little league teams. If we were playing Yahtzee, he'd join in. My friends and I called my home, 9911 Garfield Drive, "The Establishment." It became a given that we'd have no more fun anywhere else.

Wow. The XMan has been gone a year. I have never had to go through anything close to as painful as this year. Yeah, I'm persevering through the days. I just hope I can be half the father he was to Sophie and Chloe.

The Real Housewives of Parma Heights

Although we have no official TV deal, it is obvious that my family can easily have a reality show called "The Real Housewives of Parma Heights." Technically, none of my relatives are housewives in Parma Heights, Ohio, but my brother and his bride, Judi, live there, so that might work.

Many similarities exist between my housewives in Parma Heights, and "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." For example, a stir was made when a Beverly Hills housewife revealed that she bought sunglasses for $25,000. The other day in Venice Beach, Calif., I successfully bought $9 shades, after talking a vendor off his ridiculous asking price of $10.

While the Beverly Hills housewives have argued about infidelities, tackiness and plastic surgery, my brother recently engaged in a brief debate with my girlfriend regarding the game Monopoly. This is what ensued:

Brother: I'm normally the banker.
Girlfriend: So am I.
Brother: Would you like to be the banker?
Girlfriend: Yes.
Brother: OK.

Because of the salaciousness of that above conversation, I am certain viewers would tune into "The Real Housewives of Parma Heights."

Lucky viewers also might see debates on homemade cakes vs. store-bought ones, the ladies getting their nails done in a Vietnamese-owned shop in Long Beach and the use of aerosol spray cans for deodorant.

Watch what happens live! ... Only on Bravo.

Collection is beyond him

Life continues to be strange for Snooze Button Generation CEO and founder Joe Stevens as he recovers from giving away his Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon collection.

The collection had ballooned to 43 in December, and in a Yankee swap white elephant type of game, he gave away his Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon collection and a bonus gift card. With a month passing, Stevens expected the collection to return and be at three. But the collection is only at one.

"Look," Stevens said. "I'm not collecting them any more. I might get a new can opener. What's so wrong about that?"

During the Yankee swap, a friend Liz picked the nicely concealed 43 coupons. She appeared quite happy and/or confused. Later in the night, the coupons were stolen, all within the confines of the game, by a friend Dave. Even though Stevens fully said he knew the rules of the game, that seemed to confuse him.Stevens' daughters have recovered from the loss of the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. Stevens is full of some sort of odd regret that the collection went from 28 in December 2010 to only 43 in December 2011. The collection stood at eight in Sept. 2009.

Although Stevens repeatedly says he is "amazed" and/or "baffled" by the accumulation of 43 Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons, intense mathematics have shown that a coupon tends to come once a month.

Hyperreality at Factory of Sadness

"I'm Fred Stevens. Welcome to Jackass!"

Although my brother never said those words, our trip to the Factory of Sadness during the Cleveland Browns' final game of the season turned into our version of "Jackass."

Apparently, my cousin Carlos, AKA "Know It All," has a history of hurting and/or attempting to hurt my brother at Browns games. Two years ago, he randomly tackled my bro as they approached the Factory.

As a gift to his groomsmen, my bro gave tickets to his best man J.T., me, Know It All, the World's Most Sophisticated Man and Scrappy Boy to the last game of the season. Jack, Know It All's 5-year-old son and my nephew, also joined our wolfpack.

Some sort of hyperreality ensued at the Factory of Sadness as we tailgated and cheered for our hapless Browns, who lost 13-9 to Pittsburgh and finished their season 4-12. At one point, Know It All wore of necklace of links.Eventually, snow came to the Factory of Sadness, and I am unsure what to conclude about my first trip to this place.

I guess that the event was a success because our wolfpack had fun. The Cleveland Browns, of course, have been a laughingstock since returning to the NFL in 1999. That followed a three-year hiatus as ridiculously immoral owner Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore.

Not to be too morose, but I have a theory that the Browns will continue to be horrible until Modell physically dies. Yeah, it's a bit strange and dark, but mark my words, the Browns will continue to be bad until that happens. Happy New Year, Mr. Modell!

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Useful international economists are hard to find. Many times, the economist has ulterior motives when prognosticating on currencies, or the economist is simply wrong.

Luckily for 2012, Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens has become an expert on the world economy, following just one trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

"Really, poverty in other countries is way worse than in the U.S.," Stevens said. "And another thing, you got to always talk vendors down. Why pay 780 pesos when that's not necessary?"

Stevens' 780 pesos comment was a reference to a death-defying zipline tour. The tour was listed as costing 780 per person. Stevens got the tour for 550 pesos for two.

Stevens remains traveling this holiday season and is in Cleveland for the first week of January. Blogging has been difficult for him because of the travel and the fact that he has made himself available for interviews about the world economy.

The holiday season is about family, friends, happiness and pie. Stevens is happy that 2011 has ended because of the various tragedies he encountered in 2011. But there are signs of a good year coming.

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Happy birthday, XMan

Editor’s Note: Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack on Feb. 16, 2011. The XMan had been featured on this blog many times during his lifetime, including when he was attacked by a killer cactus, suggested his son suffocate him because of the flu and taught life lessons about solving crime. This type of blog entry called “From the XMan Chronicles” is part of a periodic SBG series that recounts tales connected to him.

The XMan would have turned 64 today, and his unexpected and ridiculous death continues to be a part of the Stevens family and Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens.

Today, Stevens will be consuming Boston cream pie to remember the XMan, who loved that dessert. Curiously, extensive Internet research has shown that Boston cream pie is, in fact, a cake and not a pie. It definitely tastes like a cake.

One of the traditions the XMan perpetuated was how he concluded dining out. Frequently, a server would ask, "What you like dessert?" The XMan would reply, "Do you have Boston cream pie?" That typically ended the night.

The other day at a restaurant, 4-year-old Chloe Stevens asked Joe Stevens this: "Daddy, aren't you going to ask if they have Boston cream pie?" It likely is just a matter of time before Chloe asks servers directly for Boston cream pie.We humans — man, we're strange beings. Although we may understand the possibility of death of hitting, the fact that it somehow hit the XMan was a mega-blast to those who knew him. What happened to him did not seem possible. Nine months later, it still is hard to believe.

Mourning comes in waves for Stevens. As it uncharacteristically rains in Los Angeles today on a Monday, it doesn't seem like an overly emotional day for him.

Is XMan in heaven? There may not be puffy clouds and stuff like that. It may look more like Ironwood Golf Course in Hinckley, Ohio. If heaven exists, Stevens would like to visit there to play gin with the XMan and joke about the killer cactus that attacked him.

Sophie Stevens is rich

Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens has been outvoted by his staff to include more blog posts about his actual life and stop dwelling on obscure '80s and '90s pop culture.

Stevens: Look, the average reader doesn't care about my personal life.

SBG staff member: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you don't know what you're talking about.

Stevens: Really?

SBG staff member: Yes. A blog is an online diary. People want to read that. Why are you so sure people are interested in Humpty Hump?

Stevens is a single dad with two daughters, Sophie, 6, and Chloe, 4. This past weekend the three went to Big Bear, Calif., where they stayed in a quaint cabin, explored Big Bear and repeatedly took a ski lift to the top of a mountain/menacing hill only to sled ride down it.

During the intense sled riding, Stevens announced, "I can't believe this. This is the best day of my life!"

Sophie Stevens somewhat agreed and even went on her final three runs solo. All was well until they arrived in Long Beach, Calif., where Sophie showed Stevens a loose tooth and went to bed on Sunday night.

Early Monday morning at 12:45 a.m., Sophie yelled, "Daddy, come here. I lost my tooth!"Not only did she lose the tooth out of her mouth, but it fell on her white carpet, lost among the synthetic plushness. Stevens was flummoxed with the significance of the event and could not believe his baby girl had lost a tooth in first grade (Science shows that this type of tooth development is "normal.").

How much could a first tooth be worth? Would the Tooth Fairy pay off Sophie even though the tooth was lost in the carpet? How in the world would the Tooth Fairy break into Stevens' house?

When Sophie woke up, she came out for breakfast like normal. Stevens suggested she look under her pillow to see if the Tooth Fairy came. Sophie discovered a $5 bill, which is way above market value for an incisor.

Sophie Stevens is rich.

XMan remembered on 'Thanksgiving Eve'

Editor’s Note: Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack on Feb. 16, 2011. The XMan had been featured on this blog many times during his lifetime, including when he was attacked by a killer cactus, suggested his son suffocate him because of the flu and taught life lessons about solving crime. This type of blog entry called “From the XMan Chronicles” is part of a periodic SBG series that recounts tales connected to him.

Today is "Thanksgiving Eve." It is the busiest day in grocery stores across the United States, the busiest travel day of the year and a time when many of us should get busy.

In the Stevens family, it may be a difficult time because we are beginning a holiday stretch in which the XMan somehow will not be a physical part of things. Although the XMan's death was the worst thing that ever happened to Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens, the death spurred on a couple successful household tasks including the installation of two towel bars (see above photo).

Of course, the biggest manifestation of grief through tasks is Stevens' magnificent Chewbacca collection, which ballooned as he grieved. There have been other successful tasks, too, including the procuring of a baby grand piano and 10-person poker table, installation of an outdoor dartboard in a cabinet, new shower heads, furniture and an underwear/sock upgrade program.

Yes, Stevens has been mourning through tasks and home improvement, and that may sound bizarre because he and his father are/were no handymen.

The faded photo above, for example, is a joke photo because once Stevens and the XMan put together an IKEA dresser. Obviously, they opted not to use the directions, which are for suckers, and put together a wobbly edifice featuring necessary spaces and slants between the drawers.

As Thanksgiving Eve continues and the holiday season kicks off, Stevens is hoping that this blog entry serves as a way for him to feel slightly better about the Stevens family's fate and not bring down those around him as he continually thinks about the XMan. The XMan loved the holidays as much or more than he loved the song "Love Shack," and Stevens will attempt to love them as well this year. He might even put up a few more towel bars, which he claims are perfectly straight in real life but the photo makes them look crooked.

Fishing with no apparent agenda

Fishing with John. Fishing with John. Fishing with John. Out on the water. Fishing with John.

I cannot explain why, but for the past few days, I have had the theme song from "Fishing with John" constantly playing in my mind. The song is 43 seconds long and can be accessed by clicking here.

"Fishing with John" is among my favorite TV shows of all-time. It originally aired in 1991 on the Independent Film Channel and was hosted by musician/actor John Lurie. The series only featured six episodes and a total of five guests - Jim Jarmusch, Tom Waits, Matt Dillon, Willem Dafoe and Dennis Hopper.

Good God, those are five pretty impressive guests. They're all celebrities, - a bit offbeat, of course - and they all seem genuine and valid. The common thread I like about all of them might be: Ride your madness to success.
Yeah, I watched all of the "Fishing with John" shows and would have gladly watched more. The best thing about the shows is that Lurie has no apparent agenda to actually interview the guests. Instead, his agenda is to catch fish, although he and his guests are pretty damn urban. So the show is ridiculous.

"The Sopranos," "Seinfeld," "Top Chef" and "The Office," according to the Snooze Button Generation, are pretty legit shows. But when you think about it, "Fishing with John" likely is the best show of all-time that aired only six times. And, yes, the theme song to "Miami Vice" is pretty killer, but why is the theme song to "Fishing with John" still in my head?

Swooning at street art

When I used to think of street art, I used to think of graffiti, the movie Exit Through the Gift Shop and Banksy. However, when I visited the "Art in the Streets" exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art Geffen in L.A. this summer, Swoon changed my view.

The artist nicknamed Swoon (who is actually named Caledonia Dance Curry) was one of the many contributors to the hip 'n' awesome exhibit, and I had the biggest reaction to her work as opposed to the other loud and colorful work in the exhibit.

Although I do not pretend to be an art aficionado, I do know that relevant art exhibitions that interest people outside the art world aren't common nowadays. "Art in the Streets," however, was relevant, and I think its scope goes beyond only the troubled and confused art world.

With hip hop blaring, skateboard videos in one room and huge street art throughout the MOCA Geffen, "Art in the Streets" had spunk and fun. Swoon's art, however, transcended the exhibit.Perhaps Swoon took into account the space at the Geffen while the other artists simply did what they normally do and hoped for the best. But Swoon's "Ice Queen" (top photo here) was simply breathtaking. It filled the entire room and sent chills down my spine.

Some might say the "Ice Queen" was out of place at the gritty street art exhibit. But I don't think so. It contrasted so much with the other art that viewing it there gave it a bigger impact.

In a major juxtaposition, the art outside the Swoon exhibit was from former skateboarder Ed Templeton, who had one photo of himself holding his naked erection. Maybe anything would have looked good compared to that photo, but, no, "The Ice Queen" truly was ephemeral and amazing.

Happy Pills

Editor’s Note: Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack on Feb. 16, 2011. The XMan had been featured on this blog many times during his lifetime, including when he was attacked by a killer cactus, suggested his son suffocate him because of the flu and taught life lessons about solving crime. This type of blog entry called “From the XMan Chronicles” is part of a periodic SBG series that recounts tales connected to him.

I have an addiction, and I do not plan on kicking my habit. I'm addicted to my daughters.

Every moment that I'm with them, I feel warm and happy. I have often felt this way, but with Sophie now 6 and Chloe 4, I've never felt this way more. My mom has similar feelings.

Following the ridiculous and unexpected death of the Xman, my mom and I have been driving in a grief-mobile that has us united with how we cope. We both agree that Sophie and Chloe have transformed into something called "Happy Pills."

No matter how difficult it is for us to believe what has happened to our world, the Happy Pills cheer us up. Their childlike brilliance brightens our day, and we usually feel our best around them.In Cleveland, my mom resides in "The Polish Mansion," and as we drive in our grief-mobile, we are together emotionally and will be together much more in person. Yesterday, for example, she just concluded a three-week stay in Long Beach, and I was sad to see her leave.

Our grieving wounds remain raw. Signs of the XMan are everywhere. I never really believed in a spiritual world before the XMan's death, but so many signs are around me that I am now wondering more and more about spirituality. The glorious Chewbacca collection, fantasy golf windfall and random hail in Long Beach recently (see video below) all make me realize that the XMan's spirit may be communicating to me.

My girls and I will be visiting my mom next month, then my mom will be back in California soon after that. My mom and I will be using drugs - our Happy Pills.

Humpty Hump: Rare fast food gigolo

Many of us brag. Perhaps we don't mean to do so. But maybe we have insecurities, so we boast about our accomplishments, hoping that the world gives us credit and validates us.

Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens, for example, recently was proud of winning his fantasy golf league. Although that feat amazed most of North America and Europe, it is not considered especially important on other continents. So some feats are incredible to some, but not to all.

That's where Greg "Shock G" Jacobs, also know as "Humpty Hump" comes in.

In the critically acclaimed 1990 hip-hop classic "The Humpty Dance," Humpty Hump sings: I'm a freak. I like the girls with the boom. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. I'm crazy. Allow me to amaze thee.I could be wrong, but getting busy in a Burger King bathroom is not something to brag about. Burger King bathrooms tend to be not that clean or romantic.

Is the "Humpty Dance" a significantly important song for the Snooze Button Generation? ... Why, yes, it is.

Is getting busy in a Burger King bathroom something to brag about? ... No. But getting busy in an Arthur Treacher's, now that would be impressive.

Sufjan Stevens: No relation

I am white. Therefore, I like Sufjan Stevens.

As the month of Rocktober continues to be celebrated, it is important to note that singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens has no familial relation to Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens.

Both Stevenses have similarities, though. They hail from gritty Midwestern cities (Sufjan from Detroit and Joe from Cleveland), and they both have ties to Kensington, Brooklyn. In fact, Sufjan Stevens is likely the most famous resident of Kensington, while Joe may have held that crown from 1996 to 1998.

There aren't many recording artists in which SBG CEO Joe Stevens looks forward to hearing a new release, but no-relation Sufjan Stevens is one of them, even though his tour de force came out six years ago. Sufjan's songwriting is at a high level; it's multi-layered, deep and impressive. There are a handful of his songs that are easy to cry to, including "Casimir Pulaski Day."

According to Paste Magazine, which has a lot of lists on the Internet, Sufjan Stevens' "Illinois" was the best album of the 2000s. Most likely, that's a correct pick.In 2003, Sufjan released an album called "Michigan," then in 2005, he released "Illinois." It also was announced that he was embarking on a states mission to do albums on all 50 states.

However, in 2011, no other states album exists. In an interview in 2009, he even said, "I have no qualms about admitting it was a promotional gimmick."

Those are hurtful words. Sufjan Stevens must do another states album. Unfortunately, he may not because he takes himself too seriously and, therefore, will never be happy. Oh well. He sure did well with the lone two states albums.

A salty salute to Guided By Voices

I met a non-dairy creamer
Explicitly laid out like a fruitcake
With a wet spot
Bigger than a great lake
Took me to the new church
And baptized me with salt
She told me, liquor
I am a new man

As the glorious month of Rocktober continues, Guided By Voices frontman Bob Pollard deserves his just due as one of the greatest songwriters of the Snooze Button Generation. Now, Bob is 53, so he is a little older than SBG members. But he would agree that the vast majority of his fans are in the SBG.

Chain smoke rings like a vapor snake kiss
She says she don't know why
The closer you are, the quicker it hits you

Five years ago, Paste Magazine released its list of the top 100 living songwriters. Bob Pollard checked in at No. 78. The top three were No. 1 Bob Dylan, No. 2 Neil Young and No. 3 Bruce Springsteen.

Although numerous disagreements pop up with this list, including Springsteen being ridiculously high, one interesting thing is that you realize how SBG-aged songwriters rarely have made their mark.

Bob Pollard has made his mark, and he is probably the most prolific songwriter alive. He has more than 1,400 songs registered with BMI, and his lyrics are magnificent and cryptic. His lyrics have incredibly vivid imagery that is hard to figure out, which to me is exactly how life is.

Cold hands touching my face
Don't hide - the snake can see you
Old friends you might not remember
Fading away from you
The goldheart mountaintop queen directoryBob Pollard and Guided By Voices remain close to my heart because they started to get popular in the early '90s when I saw them a few times in Columbus, Ohio. A cool friend of mine, John Petkovic, and his excellent band Cobra Verde also played with Bob for two years in the '90s.

My life is dirt, but you seem to make it cleaner
Reduce my felony to a misdemeanor
When I feel sick, you’re an antibiotic
Organize my world that was pointless and chaotic

From 2004-2010, GBV disbanded, and Bob did some other projects, including an outfit called Boston Spaceships. However, the original GBV lineup got back together last year and will be releasing a new album in January.

Maybe I should resist the urge to try to decipher Bob's cryptic lyrics, but wait a minute, on one song, he flat-out mentions my dad, the XMan. That's got to mean something!

Post-punk XMan parked his fork-lift
Like a billion stars flickering from the grinder's wheel
Lower hybrid clad in metal
In subgroup tools

WMMS 'gets down' more than any station

It 6 p.m. on a Friday. Let's blast the Buzzard!

For a long part of my youth, I somehow always listened to 100.7 WMMS at 6 p.m. on Friday. The station played three songs every Friday at that time, "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen, "Friday on My Mind" by Earth Quake and "Cleveland Rocks" by Ian Hunter. Cleveland used to be a thriving blue-collar town, and those songs kicked off the weekend for many of my Northeast Ohio compadres.

As the month of Rocktober continues to be celebrated, there is a chance that WMMS: The Buzzard could be the "Greatest Radio Station of All-Time," if that tag exists.Rock 'n' roll is huge in my hometown, the Rock 'n' Roll Capital of the World, and The Buzzard remains the most distinctive station there. Of course, the station has had numerous make-overs throughout the years, but the fact that I still think of WMMS every Friday must mean something.

Some scientific data exists that might make The Buzzard the "Greatest Station of All-Time." From 1979 to 1987, Rolling Stone named WMMS the "Best Radio Station" (large market). However, for the 1987 victory, the station admitted that it had stuffed the ballot box.

With rock 'n' roll in turmoil, The Buzzard keeps on keeping on. It still plays rock and now is also the flagship station for the glorious Cleveland Browns.

Out of nostalgia for my youth, I plan on listening to the three Friday songs today. Interesting to me, through intense Internet research, I found out that DJ Murray Saul used to do something called his "Get Down" in the mid '70s before the three previously mentioned songs became a mainstay on WMMS.

If you click on "Get Down" above, it certainly sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. I somehow love the rantings.

Is it possible to rock wearing shorts?

The greatest thing about AC/DC is the shorts. The worst thing about AC/DC is the shorts.

As the Snooze Button Generation continues to celebrate Rocktober by focusing on rock 'n' roll, an extremely important, age-long question must be pondered: Why are shorts so uncool on rock stars?

A reasonable human being might say that no, no, shorts don't automatically make a rock star lame. Just look at Angus Young of AC/DC.

Nah, I don't think the shorts work. Angus comes off as creepy and a joke. If that's what he's going for, that's great. However, this shorts issue is quite complex, and Angus can't be dismissed. Quite frankly, he almost pulled off the shorts thing. For that, he deserves props, and it is obvious that the best thing about AC/DC is the shorts.

Is it ever right for a male to choose shorts as a style choice when temperature is not a factor? Answer: No.

I have no images in my mind's eye of Frank Sinatra in shorts. I cannot think of any stylish gentleman in shorts. Anderson Cooper? Johnny Depp? Elvis?Well, shorts don't exactly come to mind with Elvis, but his "Blue Hawaii" vehicle made temperature a factor. He was in Hawaii, for god's sake.

Every so often, an extremely douche-bag-esque rock star pops up who attempts to wear shorts. It simply won't work. I remember seeing a video by Faith No More in which the lead singer wore shorts. Ridiculous!