Local celebrities are way cooler than other celebs

Although it may be unfashionable to discuss politics in some circles, I made a political statement yesterday by voting for Kris Hanson for mayor of Long Beach, Calif.

Hanson was not running for mayor. In fact, I didn't even know I would do such a thing until I had my ballot in my hand. But I wrote in his glorious name: "Kristopher Hanson." Bob Foster was basically running unopposed in Long Beach, and my thoughts were these: "Man, we can do better than this. I'd rather see Hanson in charge."

The great thing about being a mayor, or a weatherperson, is that you're a local celebrity, and that means you're way cooler than a national, or international, celebrity. People do not know Foster or Hanson outside of Long Beach, but in this city, they are considered power brokers.

Workaholic weatherwoman Jackie Johnson is another example of this. She is extremely well-known in Los Angeles because she is on TV each week day from 8 to 11 p.m., but she is virtually unknown elsewhere.
Foster and Hanson have the same fate in Long Beach. Foster is arguably better known, but that is only because he already has been mayor for a few years. Hanson is a columnist for the Long Beach Press-Telegram, is a regular at the coolest bars in L.B. and has a throwback look that makes dudes shake his hand and ladies swoon. Damn it, he should be mayor!

The only other local celebrity I have ever seen that is anywhere as cool as Hanson is longtime Cleveland meteorologist Dick Goddard, who, like Hanson, makes dudes shake his hand and ladies swoon. Now that I think of it, I bet Goddard would have to be a better mayor than many of the unbalanced folk who held that job during his 40 years on TV.

Breaking news: Ol' Dirty Bastard was never Young Dirty Bastard

Rap star Ol' Dirty Bastard was never "Young Dirty Bastard" or simply "Dirty Bastard," the Snooze Button Generation has learned through extensive Internet research.

Apparently, ODB took his stage name from a 1980 kung-fu movie titled "Ol' Dirty & the Bastard" and was all of a sudden an Ol' Dirty Bastard instead of a Dirty Bastard who grew old. ODB arguably was never a real old bastard because he died of a drug overdose in 2004, two days before his 36th birthday.

As a father of two daughters, I imagine ODB's moniker presented difficulties with dating. If my daughters ever dated someone called "Ol' Dirty Bastard," that might raise an eyebrow for his intentions. Now, I don't mean to be judgmental or jump to conclusions, but as a dad, the name could be seen as negative on the dating circuit.Many people debate exactly who was the best, or most popular, member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Ol' Dirty Bastard could very well be the answer, but he is going against Method Man, Rza, Gza and Ghostface Killah. I suppose I'd prefer my daughter to date someone named Ghostface Killah as opposed to Ol' Dirty Bastard, though I might have a sweet spot in my heart for ODB's dental woes.

Watching poor Yahtzee strategy is painful

Life can be sad. There is hunger in Africa, child abuse and violence around the globe. But perhaps the saddest thing I've encountered is someone playing Yahtzee who tries for a full house.

Man, the name of the game is "Yahtzee," not "Full House." A lot of times, when people try for a Yahtzee, a full house creeps in anyway, and then, OK, take the 25 points and be proud.

I consider myself a Yahtzee aficionado but until recently, never realized who the smart-looking guy on the scorecard was. That is none other than Edwin S. Lowe, whose company first marketed the game in 1956. Eventually, Lowe sold his company to Milton Bradley in 1973 and the rights to Yahtzee.

When I was a lad, I called the guy with the hat Mike Fischlin, who was a shortstop for the Cleveland Indians at the time. Due to rigorous Internet research, I have realized that Fischlin was not that smart-looking fellow.By the way, Fischlin was known for his fielding, and he is among the worst-hitting major-league baseball players of all-time. He played for 10 years, batted .220 and had just three home runs and 68 RBI.

Red Lobster is only a dream

My mouth watered, and I yearned to get in touch with the seafood lover in me, growing up in Cleveland. Ooh, man, those Red Lobster commercials made lobster and shrimp look oh-so-delicious, but consuming that classy food felt unattainable. Where the hell was this glorious place?

It turns out hardly any Red Lobsters were in the Cleveland area, but those commercials still ran a lot. Granted, I had a fabulous restaurant called Ponderosa close to my home, and that was before the place made a corporate decision to cater to white trash. But Red Lobsters were hard to find, and today, only four Red Lobsters grace the Cleveland area.

Years passed. Perhaps decades passed. Every so often, those delectable Red Lobster commercials came on my TV, and emotions stirred in my belly. Could this place be as great as advertised?

Well, I finally made it to a Red Lobster in Lakewood, Calif., and let me say this: That place sucks. Damn, what a letdown!My food didn't look like the stuff in the commercials at all. I didn't get sick because of the food. I got sick because of having my dream killed. My innocence was lost.Apparently, others agree that Red Lobster sucks, too, and some blog about it. Seriously, though, Red Lobster wins the Snooze Button Generation's dubious award for the biggest distance between fantasy and reality for commercials I watched as a lad.

Courts make a mockery of true love

Whenever a celebrity couple breaks up, I have the same reaction: "Damn," I say. "I thought those kids we're gonna make it."

Truth be told, so many celebrity couples look doomed from the start. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Marilyn Manson and Rose McGowan? Eh, a lot of these relationships look goofy or fake, and it is no surprise when the couple breaks up.

Enter Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall. Now, I thought those kids we're gonna make it. But they didn't - not because of divorce, mind you - because J. Howard died. He was 90.When the dynamic duo was married, he was 89, and she was 26. They met in a Houston strip club and presumably enjoyed a love affair of a lifetime, even though they were married for only 14 months before he died in August 1995. Strangely, he did not put Anna Nicole in his will, and I conjecture he did that because he didn't want to look foolish to his family and business associates.

By the way, J. Howard Marshall was an oil tycoon. His estate today is valued at $1.6 billion.

For the past 15 years, the Marshall and Smith families have been fighting in courts over the estate, even though the two lovebirds are deceased. Finally, this week, a ruling was made, giving the Smiths absolutely nothing.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the ruling. The Smith family should get some of that $1.6 billion. The family was asking for $300 million, and that seems a bit high. How about $100,000 for each day Smith was married to old leatherface? That would amount to $42 million. If that's too high, how about $10,000 per day, or $4.2 million?

Deeper questions arise with the Anna Nicole marriage and the court ruling. This case is far bigger than it seems.

How much is love worth? Is there a price for love? Would you sleep with Skeletor for millions? Why do people assume she married him for money?

Grimace used to be evil

Philosophers tend to focus on the wrong questions. They ponder lame questions like: "Do you humans have souls?" or "Is an afterlife possible?"

The real important questions, though, are: "What the hell is Grimace?" and "Why the hell is he called Grimace?"

Ronald McDonald is a clown, and Hamburglar is a small-time, hungry thief. Grimace is a purple blob and baffles me. Who are you, my purple friend?

The word "grimace" means a frown, or a facial expression of displeasure. Why would this jolly purple guy have such a negative name?

It turns out out that Grimace originally was a villain, "The Evil Grimace." He had an extra pair of arms and stole milkshakes, then hoarded them. ... I love this world.After some crime, Grimace's character was revised to lose his extra arms and be a good guy. He then was part of the McDonald's gang and saw how Hamburglar got his stripes and how once Hamburglar wished everything he touched turned to cheeseburgers.

No comment

"We have heard that you were a war criminal, used to wear dresses and eat discarded kitten claws. When was the last time you did any of that stuff?"

"No comment."

As a journalist, I frequently used to face similar scenarios, where the person being interviewed would answer, "No comment."

Every so often, I would put the "no comment" in the newspaper when I felt it was absolutely necessary. Regardless of what was in the newspaper, I normally knew the truth of a situation based on how the person would deliver his "no comment."

A terse, angry "no comment" meant the person did what you were asking about, was angry at himself for doing it and was hoping the world would stop asking him about it.However, if the person said, "I know what you are referring to, and it's just not appropriate for me to answer those questions now," that could mean it didn't happen.

Some people are aware of the journalistic connotations connected to "no comment" and were at such a high level of interviewing, that they could make jokes about it.

"Is it true you're dating Jeanie Buss?"

Pause. "No comment." Wink.

Jupiter: The Kimbo Slice of planets

I am not a fan of seeing people pummeled in the face or of hearing bones crack. That is why I dislike kickboxing, which many call "UFC."

Still, as a self-dubbed lifelong learner, I am open-minded to new things. So I gave UFC a chance, but was not enamored by it because of the overt violence.

Connected to my open-mindedness, I also have been reading about our solar system and planets and was amazed by the information in the 47-page book "Extreme Planets!" by Mary Kay Carson. While many might consider "Extreme Planets!" a mere children's book, I was shocked by its information that I should have already known.Holy balls! Jupiter is a huge planet. It is bigger than all the other planets combined and is the Kimbo Slice of planets. Also, most of the planets - except for Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars - are made of gasses.

Jupiter has 63 moons. Although its atmosphere is whack, if there is life elsewhere, Jupiter's moon Europa has the best chance of having life. One moon, Io, is full of volcanoes. Another one, Ganymede, is the biggest in the solar system.

But Europa. Wow. That sucker has water and ice, and that means there is the potential for microscopic life.

Who knew? Well, I guess a lot of people, but as I was reading this to my preschool daughters, I was shocked and realized this: "Daddy has a lot to learn about Jupiter."

Lucas, we will miss you

Lucas is dead.

Although Corey Haim was found dead today at 38 in what appears to be an accidental drug overdose, many in the Snooze Button Generation may not be shocked. Haim had been in terrible "check yourself before you wreck yourself" shape for years. He is another reminder that child stars often live painful, tragic lives.

But, hey, let's remember Corey Haim for his teen work. I like "Lucas" the best of his roles, but "The Lost Boys" is his most popular film. I don't think Haim ever played an innocent teen after "Lucas." Then, he played heartthrob teens - and that's probably messed up.

A few others of Haim's films are relatively well-known, such as "License to Drive," "Dream a Little Dream" and "Murphy's Romance." Between 1982 and '98, he was in a whopping 32 films. Man, that's a whole lot of obscure stuff.

Less than two years ago, Haim and the other Corey, Corey Feldman - who I once met at a Long Beach Grand Prix and yukked it up with - said in a reputable story that they were sexually abused as children. Around that time, Feldman appeared to be getting healthy. Haim, on the other hand, was not and looked horrible on the duo's reality show "The Two Coreys." Perhaps Lucas died far earlier than today.Man, I can't imagine being a child star. It must stink when you did the thing the Snooze Button Generation will remember you for when you were 14. Then, innocence is lost, and before you know it, so is your life.

Dream a little dream, Corey. Dream a little dream.

Masturbation: Please don't sing about it

Many journalists contend that the more access they have, the better. I subscribe to that idea, but believe a line must be drawn for too much access. I draw that line at knowing a person's masturbatory habits.

Some taboos need to be broken, such as the smell connected to asparagus urine, but self-love may not be one of them. It is not because this taboo is awkward or uncomfortable, but because nearly every song about the subject is horrible.

A lot of people say Cyndi Lauper's 1983 tune "She Bop" is tops when it comes to songs with masturbatory themes. I like "She Bop" more now than when it was released and was unaware of its self-love theme until a knowledgeable friend told me about it. But, quite frankly, I never feel fulfilled listening to "She Bop."

The Divinyls' "I Touch Myself" is the most blatant example that explores this theme, but it is too obvious and an accidental joke song. Other songs, such as Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator," seem to be about self-love if they were about me, but not everyone has my interpretation.With all these mishits with masturbation songs, Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself" has to be the best song with this theme. But here's the rub: Idol has said in interviews that the song is not meant to be about the taboo, but merely about people who dance alone.

My Chewbacca collection: The "greatest" ever

We are all going to die.

That is why I am not a fan of collections. "You can't take it with you," I say. So what is the point of materialism and hoarding items? Collections often are manifestations of obsessive-compulsive stars, and they scare me.

But my Chewbacca collection is different. Over the past two weeks, my Chewbacca collection has had a Renaissance because I have discovered a little-known website titled eBay.com.

My Chewbacca collection has ballooned from nine figures to 15 and a Chewy Frisbee.My Chewy collection is the only collection I have, and I like to think it is not a collection, but a commentary about other collections.

Some collectors make common, grave errors with their collections, and I will not make those mistakes. For example, I do not believe action figures, or any toys, have greater value if they are not opened or played with. Chewies must be used!

I also refuse to pay significant cash for Wookiees (correct spelling). Friends tell me there must be numerous "greater" Chewy collections, but by my criteria, I like mine just fine because I am not a Star Wars geek and consider it "the greatest."

Why Chewbacca? The Wookiee speaks to me. Quirky and hairy, he is an elegant gentleman.

Champagne is being pimped out

As an expert of sophistication, I frequently run across gauche uses of classy items that make me wonder if those items are, indeed, classy. This is the case with limousines, in which they tend to be used as party puke-mobiles and, thus, have been deemed TOTALLY NOT CLASSY by the Snooze Button Generation.

Because of locker-room celebrations and "champagne rooms" in strip clubs, I am wondering if champagne, like limousines, is being misused enough to be considered not classy.

Through extensive Internet and personal research, I have determined that while champagne is frequently misused, it remains classy. However, champagne rooms are definitely not classy.Man, if I were champagne, I'd be pissed off:

Why you gotta pimp me out at your sleazy clubs? I come from France, not a trailer like a lot of your dancers. I bet you use mere sparkling wine in your "champagne rooms," too. I wish I could sue. But what do I know? I'm just a bubbly alcoholic beverage.

Where have all the Crispin Glovers gone?

As Crispin Glover's foot nearly struck David Letterman's face, a shocked and disturbed feeling swept over me while I couldn't stop staring at the TV screen. ... Yeah, man, that was entertaining!

Crispin Glover's 1987 "performance" on "Late Night with David Letterman" is among the most memorable talk show moments to me, and as I reminisce about him threatening Letterman and acting like an eccentric goofball, this question comes up: Where have all the good talk-show guests gone?

A good, controversial talk-show guest should 1) entertain and 2) make the talk-show host feel uber-uncomfortable. Blending those two factors appears extremely difficult because, often times, No. 1 is lost due to No. 2.

Glover did both, though, and Letterman stormed off the set, muttering "I'm going to check on the Top 10."

Cleveland native Harvey Pekar did something similar, but Letterman enjoyed him. Plus, Pekar perhaps was more critical of General Electric, NBC's parent company, than Dave. Pekar made eight appearances on "Late Night," even though G.E. briefly banned him from the show.Andy Kaufman was arguably the first, and best, controversial talk-show guest. My only criticism is that his unconventional antics became expected, and often times, his appearances looked too pre-staged. They were still highly entertaining, but Letterman and other talk-show hosts were at ease with him.So, are there any good controversial talk-show guests nowadays?

I don't think so, though Joaquin Phoenix recently made a captivating, controversial appearance on "Letterman" not so long ago.

Late night TV is dead to most in the Snooze Button Generation because it's failed to develop in accordance with our technology and viewing tastes. Seriously, if someone in the Snooze Button Generation regularly watches late night TV it is because of one of three reasons - 1) routine, 2) that person has somehow failed to discover better entertainment options or 3) nostalgia for Letterman's best years from 1982 to 1993.

Prince's genius: 'How about me in a tub?'

No doubt, the song that made it official "Prince is a mega-superstar" was the 1984 classic "When Doves Cry."

Prince scholars might debate that he turned into a mega-superstar earlier with the release of the 1982 album "1999." That is revisionist history, though, because he really didn't become absolutely HUGE until the film "Purple Rain" and the big hit "When Doves Cry."

Dig if you will this picture.

At one point, music executives had to figure out exactly how Prince would burst onto the scene as a mega-superstar. Thus, the video for "When Doves Cry" was critical, and I imagine there were discussions in a boardroom about the importance of the video.At the boardroom meeting for the "When Doves Cry" video, I imagine executives throwing out idea upon idea of what the opening of the video would be. They probably argued - and fought - about what to do when they finally asked Prince, the artist, what he thought.

Prince presumably muttered six words - and six words only - that gave "When Doves Cry" its vision and launched him into mega-stardom:

"How about me in a tub?"

The executives paused, gawked and applauded the artist briefly known as this:for his insightful expertise.

Asparagus urine connects us all

I have no desire to be gross or shocking, but I believe some taboos should stop. And perhaps no taboo needs to end more than asparagus urine.

Yeah, man, my pee smells totally weird - pungent - after I eat asparagus. This cannot be just me, and through lengthy Internet research, I have discovered that weird-smelling pee from asparagus is common. Marcel Proust even wrote about asparagus and his pee in "Swann's Way," saying it "transforms my chamber pot into a flask of perfume."

Studies from France, China and Israel have concluded that foul-smelling urine from asparagus is a universal human characteristic. ... Wow! We are all connected through asparagus urine!

The study from Israel, though, concluded that while everyone produces bad-smelling pee from asparagus, only 22 percent of people can detect the smell. I definitely am one of those 22 percent. I guess I'm lucky.I am unsure if any food has such an effect on pee more than asparagus, but I also get a weird smell after I eat Super Sugar Crisp or Honey Smacks. I did not find as much information about cereal and pee online, yet I imagine that also is "a universal human characteristic."

The 37th Annual Polish Olympics

If I had won a debate with the XMan 17 years ago, this would be the date for the 37th Annual Polish Olympics.

Instead, I am looking back in nostalgia at one of the greatest events created by mortals - the Polish Olympics. It took place every second Saturday in February in Cleveland from 1974 to 1993.

In 1974, when I was 5 months old, the XMan gathered approximately 25 of his closest friends to play games, eat kielbasa and drink beer in my basement. It was the first Polish Olympics, in which I believe John Sondej, who often wears shorts in wintertime, won. However, it might have been that my Uncle Steve Warner won the first Olympics. I don't recall the exact champ. I was only 5 months old.

The Polish Olympics took off because of its gorgeous blend of Polish cuisine, beer and games. Having more than 40 entrants was the norm, and in the mid-1980s, the event had to be moved to a hall called the Mary Rybicki Building.

The event developed a life of its own and culture, in which some competitors vaguely changed identities for it. I remember that Chuck Withrow, a successful ad man in Cleveland, won the Olympics multiple times and was the Babe Ruth of the Polish Olympics.To win the Olympics was a feat; to win it more than once was godly - partly because luck was a huge factor. In the final Polish Olympics in 1993, the events were darts, dice toss, Facts in Five, penny pitch, poker, Polish bingo, putting, Skittle Bowl, softball throw and Yahtzee.I loved Facts in Five and Skittle Bowl the most because 1) those are cool games and 2) it was the only time of the year anyone would play those games. My least favorite event was putting, and in retrospect, putting was a sign that my parents were transitioning from Polacks to golfers. Also, in retrospect, the running of the Polish Olympics coincided with the running of my childhood. Soon after the Olympics, I graduated college, moved to New York, then L.A.

When the XMan ended the Olympics after 20 installments, I implored him to keep it going, but he said 20 were enough. Maybe it was time to move on.

This many years later, I yearn to bring back the Olympics but do not know if it's possible. I might try some sort of Olympics in Long Beach, Calif., but I don't think the perfect blend of competition, kielbasa and ridiculousness will ever match that for the original 20 Polish Olympics. Na zdrowie!

That doodle can't be un-did, homeskillet!

Six weeks ago, I engaged in the following conversation with an older member of the Snooze Button Generation.

Friend: Did you do anything last night?
Snooze Button Generation: Not much. I got stuck in the web of YouTube, and by the time I got out, it was too late to go out.
Friend: Really? What do you do on YouTube?
SBG: Well, I was looking at Norm MacDonald videos again, and then I found some web-only show Tom Green did ... Wait a second. Do you ever go to YouTube?
Friend: No. But I've been meaning to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? I may be a bit out of it in some regards, adding unlimited texting to my cell phone plan only a few months ago, for example. But apparently, some SBG members surf the Web but do not experience YouTube. It's kind of like having sex, but not experiencing an orgasm (though I've had girlfriends tell me that's OK. Really? Well, OK then, I'm going to watch the game now.).

Anyway, I had that "how did I not know this?" feeling when I stumbled across urbandictionary.com the other day. How had I never encountered it until then?

He is so sapiosexual that he wanted to cuff the carrot we he saw her sideboob.Without Urban Dictionary, I might not realize that someone who is sapiosexual finds intelligence the most sexy trait, and a sideboob is the sight of a clothed breast.

That's one doodle that can be un-did, homeskillet!

At Urban Dictionary, I also saw the half-your-age-plus-seven rule in print. Some say it is only appropriate to date someone half your age plus seven. Thus, if a 36-year-old dated a 24-year-old, that is inappropriate by one year.

I also saw "dejabrew" in print, though I think it should be "deja brew." Why is it I sometimes have the same thoughts or memories, only when I've been drinking? Well, those are obvious cases of deja brew.

Bud Bowl needs Pee Wee's crew

Every Super Bowl Sunday, a flurry of drunks will ask this question: "Who the heck won the Bud Bowl?"

Arguably the most famous ad campaign in Super Bowl history, the Bud Bowl has not existed since 1997. There were eight Bud Bowls in all, which ran successively from 1989 to '97 with the exception of 1996. Bud has a 6-2 record against Bud Light in the Bud Bowls.

The Bud Bowl was clever the first year, then recycled the same old material during seven other Super Bowls. Most became bored and tired with it, and now I think it's been so far removed, a Bud Bowl commercial or two could work - maybe.

On Deadspin last week, one of the creative forces behind the first Bud Bowl was interviewed. The most interesting fact from that interview was that the animators from "Pee Wee's Playhouse" actually created the Bud Bowl.
Pee Wee's animators did a lot of cool touches, such as a fan (a beer bottle) with the sign "John 3:16" and hippie fans, that were missing in later Bud Bowls. And it wasn't overly easy to produce these commercials. The bottles had to be moved by hand for stop-motion photography, and it took the animators eight hours to create footage for three seconds.

Last year, the Super Bowl commercials were universally considered a letdown, and a bad economy was to blame. Apparently, there was not enough money to come up with original ideas. Perhaps Pee Wee's crew should be contacted.

JAMS suck

A journalist might take offense if someone says this: "Why are you only writing touchy-feely stories? Don't you ever write hard-hitting news?"

Well, if that is a complaint for the Snooze Button Generation, then here's a hard-hitting newsflash:

JAMS suck.

Until now, this blog extolled many components of the Snooze Button Generation that most of us still love, including Atari, Lloyd Dobler, the Replacements and G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

But in reality, not everything from the Snooze Button Generation was positive, and good God, what were we thinking with JAMS? They suck.JAMS got real popular in the late 1980s, even though they were hideous-looking, over-designed Hawaiian shorts. If anyone wore them today, they would either be joking or considered the Corky of the fashion world. No offense to Corky, by the way. I actually must say that James Burke of "Life Goes On" fame is inspirational.

Anyway, JAMS still exist as part of the company Jams World. I find it hard to believe this company is making any money. The website is trying to come off as sophisticated, and the above shorts sell for $80.

Wait, wait, yeah, that's right. They're trying to pull off JAMS as sophisticated.... Good luck with that one!

Online poker: Where everyone's a loser!

Anyone who has spent extended time in Las Vegas or Atlantic City knows that it is impossible to make a living as a "professional gambler."

Beating the house defies the odds, and it is not mathematically reasonable to defy the odds for an extended period of time. I take the problems of gambling a step further by saying that even when you win, you lose. Vegas or Atlantic City will get your money or kill your liver, even if you happen to be up with your gambling money, which is rare.

Anyway, I won $144 in a freeroll on PokerStars Sunday. I was proud because I finished third of 8,485 players, which is really difficult, lucky and incredible, considering I put none of my own money at risk. In this year's World Series of Poker main event, for example, there were a mere 6,494 players.
Here is a copy of the congratulatory e-mail I received:
PokerStars Tournament #235329047, Pot Limit Omaha Hi/Lo Freeroll
8485 players
$2000.00 USD added to the prize pool by PokerStars
Total Prize Pool: $2000.00 USD
Tournament started 2010/01/31 11:00:00 PT [2010/01/31 14:00:00 ET]

Dear ClevelandBoy,
You finished the tournament in 3rd place. A USD 144.00 award has been credited to your Real Money account.
Congratulations!
Thank you for participating.

Here is the rub. Ready?

When I exited the tournament, it had been going on for NINE HOURS! It sounds crazy, and I am not exaggerating.

In other words, I wasted NINE HOURS of a beautiful Sunday in Long Beach, Calif., playing online poker with teenage nerds like this guy:
Officially, I won. But I lost. Mathematically, no one ever wins at gambling.