Please, just release Manziel

As a native of Cleveland and longtime Los Angeles resident, I often look at connections between my beloved Cleveland and L.A.

The most obvious connection is this:

Both towns have been without the NFL since 1996.

You might say I’m being too harsh to the Browns, who actually did go 7-9 last season — their third best record in the past 20 years.

But I was absolutely disgusted — yes, disgusted — with the team’s 31-10 loss to the New York Jets this past Sunday. It’s time to vent!

Here I am on Thursday still disgusted. The team had the entire offseason to prepare for the Jets, who went 4-12 last year, and was blown out in the opener.

I believe we all have issues. We all have anger. We have negative thoughts and feelings at times. I put all of mine onto one person: Johnny Manziel — the devil incarnate, a boy who doesn’t belong on the football field, a symbol of the dysfunction of the Cleveland Browns. He’s got to go, ASAP.

Manziel does not belong in the NFL. The jury isn’t still out on whether he can be productive in the league. He is NFL incompetent. We knew that last year. We still know that this year. The possibility of Manziel playing more for the Browns makes me want to puke.

See, a lot about being an NFL quarterback is about instincts. Manziel is not a “throw-first” passer. He’s not even a “run-first” passer. He was a college star whose game does not translate whatsoever to the NFL. He can’t be “Clockwork Oranged” into a player with instincts that work in the NFL. I feel embarrassed for my team and for my city when he’s on the field. 

The fact that the Browns have him as the team’s backup quarterback irks me. The football people in the organization know that he will never be serviceable in the league. The ceiling on Johnny Manziel is “backup quarterback.” But his mentality and personality are so selfish and unhelpful, that role will not work. I say the Browns just cut his ass.

No one wants to admit mistakes. If somehow Manziel miraculously transforms his game into Andrew Luck’s or any legitimate starter in the league, then I will gladly print out this scathing column about him, place it next to my TV and remind myself how wrong I can be.

Impossible!

Unfortunately, I’m not wrong on this one. Manziel is the worst of the Browns’ 23 quarterbacks since coming back as a franchise in 1999. That list includes Colt McCoy and Seneca Wallace. Manziel couldn’t hold Seneca Wallace’s jock.

Have the Browns learned anything in 20 years?

You can’t just half-assedly pick Manziel because he won the Heisman, has a lot of Instragram followers and was around for the 22nd pick.

How in the world can he be selected that high and over Teddy Bridgewater and Derek Carr?

Manziel? A franchise quarterback? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

The Browns know very well that Manziel will never be a franchise quarterback. And what is the point of keeping around a 22-year-old dickhead who has no chance of being that franchise guy?

The team’s acquisition of Josh McCown was the best they could do for a stopgap until one day that miraculous franchise QB comes along. But it would have been nice if they had McCown and St. Ignatius’ own Brian Hoyer on the roster this year instead of Johnny Freakin’ Football.

Of course, the team is so dysfunctional that it became impossible to have that scenario because Hoyer attempted to be a leader and apparently that was unacceptable to the insecure brass of the team. Plus, the offensive coordinator from last year, Kyle Shanahan, asked to be released from his contract to become the offensive coordinator for the Atlanta Falcons. Egads! What madness!

The Browns are an absolute laughingstock. No exaggeration.

My daughters and I make fun of them. Yes, we will be watching this Sunday. I am praying to God that I don’t have to see Manziel play. I am hoping that Austin Davis passes him on the depth chart. I’d like to see a 24th Browns quarterback in 16 years. 

Of course, I expect to hear this argument: “Manziel isn’t the only problem.”

True that.

But for a franchise that has had one playoff game in the past 20 years (a loss to the Steelers in 2002), the Browns’ dysfunction has been on display for so long that I can’t take this crap anymore. I’m especially frustrated now because the Browns went 7-9 last year, and there is absolutely no chance they can equal that this year. The team will be yet again taking a step back.

You might say, “Cool your jets. It’s only been one game!”

The roster simply does not have players that can win on the NFL level. I’m not certain the team can even compete on the NFL level.

Only one of two things can happen to help me believe the franchise is headed in the right direction.

Jimmy Haslam sells the team. The whole culture and structure of the franchise needs to be blown up, and, ultimately, that is the only way that can possibly happen.

Release Johnny Manziel.

Hopefully, McCown will be cleared to play from his “concussion protocol,” and the Browns will have a fighting chance against the Tennessee Titans.

I’m actually jealous of the lame Titans. They have a shot at having a franchise quarterback with Marcus Minotta. The Browns have no chance at that with Manziel.

I’d rather have nothing than him.

Attempted retraction turns into diatribe No. 2

Meathooks has called for a retraction.

I lost a 25 cent bet to Cousin Paulie.

Cleveland is happy, and its residents will be making sweet, sweet love tonight because the Browns actually won a game.

But I still can't stand Johnny "Freakin" Football.

What is my problem?

I just don't like him as a human being, a person. I try not to judge people, but when the weight of my Cleveland Browns falls on his 5-foot-6 shoulders, I believe I'm allowed to ponder this guy.

First of all, thank God the Browns beat the Tennessee Titans to improve to 1-1 and hold on for a 28-14 win. Manziel threw two touchdown bombs to Travis Benjamin, and those were the obvious offensive highlights. The first TD bomb on the second play of the game set the tone, and Johnny Football deserves major credit for that.

I've upgraded my thoughts on Manziel from "he's an absolute bust" to "let's wait and see — but he's probably a bust."

I am conflicted on whether I want him to be a bust. With a Browns first philosophy, I want him to work out and be a superstar. However, he is the most unlikable sports figure to don a Cleveland uniform — according to me.

I'm not even sure who's in the running. Albert Belle from the Indians was much-maligned. Ricky Davis from the Cavs could be redonkulous. I'm sure there have been plenty of criminals, but Manziel remains the biggest douche.

This could be a Snooze Button Generation (TM) gap. This punk is only 22, and I'm 41. Maybe there is a generation gap with this kid because I repeatedly look at him and think, "You got to be kidding me."

My gut tells me that Manziel still has the maturity of a flea. My gut says that he is all flash — and no substance. Even in football, he had two spectacular TD flings. But other than that, he was not good.

Johnny Football's success on the field may very well have to do with his mentality. I believe he has a highlight-reel mentality, but I'm not convinced he knows how to do little things to get a team to win.

I also surmise his personal life is like that. I bet he'd be a great guy to date because of the flash, but when it comes to hanging out at home and feeling chill, he'd be fumbling all night long.

Would I want my daughters to date him? Oh, God no. Would you want that for your daughters?

I don't trust Johnny Manziel, and I don't like that feeling. When the weight of the Cleveland Cavs is on LeBron James' shoulders, yes, I'll take that. If the weight of the franchise is on Manziel's shoulders, I am still thinking, "What has happened to us?"

But, hey, let's put this all in perspective. The Browns won. They're 1-1, and they've been to the playoffs once in the past 20 years. Even if today ends up as the highlight of Manziel's career, we'll take it!

Are you ready for some football?

Let's not get too excited. Let's keep an even keel. Breathe. Breathe. Let's not get too excited. OK.

But let me tell you this: I am dang excited about this NFL season!

Jeez, my Cleveland Browns won a playoff game last year for the first time in 26 years and finally displayed competence. We Browns fans and even NFL pundits are more optimistic about Cleveland than ever. What could possibly go wrong?!?

Here's the deal: The NFL may embody what is best in America and what is worst in 'Merica all in one glorious/ridiculous sport that I watch each week.

Let's be positive and focus on what I find good about the NFL. I love the message of "hard work." I love that football is a blue-collar sport. I love that desire often trumps talent. And let's be honest: It's entertaining. Circus-like catches. Bone-crushing hits. Fourth and inches. Heck, yeah!

I'm actually cool with Browns QB Baker Mayfield and his style. I believe he isn't that good, but he busts his butt and doesn't seem to get injured. He ain't fancy and has average stats, but guess what? He's a winner.

Do you know what it's like for a Browns fan to actually like the quarterback? That's nearly impossible from what we've weathered. Decades and decades of incompetent QBs. I literally feel sick in my stomach whenever I hear the term "Johnny Manziel."

While I'm super excited about my Browns, I must say that the NFL may show what's wrong with our American culture, too. It's crazy violent, way too corporate and cruel to its workers. Sure, some players get paid mega-bucks, but at what price?

Football is brutal to bodies and heads, and quite frankly, football culture is patriarchal, militaristic and in some ways, racist and sexist. Toxic masculinity can be on display. And did we even mention concussions yet?

I would not encourage my son to play football, and at the end of the day, OK, if kids really want to play, I guess I support that. But it's such a violent sport, and we are such a violent country. I wonder why we glorify football so much.

Plus, 'Merica eats horribly, and I'm mentally preparing to see a zillion Domino's Pizza ads and chicken-shack crap as I watch games. Why do wings need to be wild? Free-range wings — that would make more sense. We'll eat nachos, drink soda and destroy our bodies as we watch players doing the same on the screen. Good times.

I often have considered elite sports a celebration of life, but with so much violence in the NFL and these so-called wild wings, is it really that?

But I am addicted. I can't not watch the Browns ... and play fantasy football ... and run a football pool. When the NFL is at its best, it brings people together. "You're a football fan? Great. That's all I need. We're cool."

It used to be "You're American? That's all I need. We're cool." Nowadays, as we all know, we got a whole bunch of low-level tribal division happening. I say the NFL is in a higher place than that junk. It sure beats cable news.

If it takes the NFL to bring us all together, I'll take it. Just, please, don't ever bring up Johnny Manziel.

The GREATEST day in Cleveland sports history?

As a self-appointed spokesman for the city of Cleveland, I must tell LeBron James this:

In my life, there's been heartache and pain.
I don't know if I can face it again.

LeBron, one more thing:

I wanna know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I wanna feel what love is.
I know you can show me.

Just like my brethren in Northeast Ohio, I had a giddy day of goodness as King James announced his return to our underrated and much-maligned city. I strangely got chills writing that sentence. Talk about drama! Talk about excitement!

There's excitement in the air come and watch them play — Cavs! Taking on the best in the NBA. Cavs! Cavs! Cavs!

(That was a jingle from back in the '80s when Mark Price dished many a pretty pass to Brad Daugherty, Larry Nance, Ron Harper or even John "Hot Rod" Williams.)

For four grueling years of hopelessness, I have loathed LeBron James more than any living human being. Come to think of it, he was the only human I've loathed. For my own emotional health, I have tried to forgive him for his stupid-a$$ "Decision," but I could not. I was stuck in the anger mode of healing for four years and just couldn't get out that mode.

As a news alert from the New York Times came on my iPhone, my whole emotionality turned upside down in an instant. This was the opposite of a trauma. This was shocking, amazing, smiley face time, bona fide glee. I somehow even broke the news to my brother and mother. Throughout the day, I put my fingers in the air and rubbed them like Johnny Manziel. My daughters and I repeatedly did the finger rub in Souplantation.

A flurry of emotion hit when the news struck, and I simply surmise this is what Andre 3000 means when he sings:

I think I'm in love again.
Baby, you are the prototype.
Do sumn' outta the ordinary. 

Today could have possibly been "THE GREATEST DAY IN CLEVELAND SPORTS HISTORY" (since 1964). Hyperbole? Maybe. But even if the Cavs never win a championship, or even if they do, the scales of justice balanced out today. That could better than a championship.

Of course, analyzing today as potentially THE GREATEST DAY IN CLEVELAND SPORTS HISTORY also underscores how horrible our city's sports history has been in my lifetime. Yes, we nearly won the World Series in 1997 with one of the glorious Tribe teams of the '90s, but they coughed up the lead in the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 and then lost in extra innings. Ouch!

I've always said that you learn more in making mistakes and in losing than you do with winning, and that is why Northeast Ohio has the most self-knowlegeable people on the planet. Seriously, through years of being a gamer and a fierce competitor, I know that competition is not about the end result. It's about the ride.

LeBron's return is going to put my beloved Cleveland on an internationally envied ride. Yeah, it would be nice if he and the Cavs sealed the deal with a championship. I do yearn to have just one Cleveland championship in my lifetime, and if that happens before I'm 50, it will be 28 years earlier than I thought it might happen (I used an abacus for that calculation).

But, really, goodness is in the air. I feel great. I feel alive. My trip to Cleveland last week helped, reading the book "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?" by Dr. Seuss to my daughters also helped.

Yes, LeBron was an Outkast for the past four years. We viewed him as a Foreigner. 

LeBron, as Andre 3000 also sings in "Prototype," I must say:

Girl, right now I wanna say, I wanna say
I wanna say stank you very much
For picking me up
And bringing me back to this world...
I wanna say stank you, stank you.

Zen and the Art of Browns watching

I have become Zen when it comes to life — and especially when it comes to the Cleveland Browns.

Growing up in Northeast Ohio, the Browns came into my life extremely early— earlier than even my First Holy Communion as a second grader. You may ask: What are you saying? Are the Browns a religion in Cleveland?

No, no, they're not a religion. They're bigger than that.

The Browns are our passion, our way of life, our reason for being. They bring back memories of yesteryear and are our conversation starters and conversation enders. This year, they've got a lot of hype because of the crafty drafting of Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel, and with the return of LeBron James to his homeland, a lot of sports hype surrounds our city.

The problem is this, however. The Browns have been absolutely horrible for the past five years. They have not made the playoffs since 2002 and have not won a playoff game since 1994. For the past five years, their best record has been 5-11, and so frustration abounds when it comes to this franchise.

As a new season has started, I have taken a Zen approach to watching them. In past years, my strategy of Browns watching in Long Beach, Calif., was this: I would keep tabs on them, and if they had a chance to win in the fourth quarter, I would go to a public establishment to watch them. ... I didn't go to many establishments.

This year, I took a different approach in Week 1. When the Browns vigorously fought back to have a chance against the Steelers, my girls and I went to the beach. I followed Browns updates on my phone, and when they tied the score 27-27, only to lose 30-27, the girls and I took the above selfie.

For Week 2, I took a similar approach. I went golfing during the game. However, I couldn't help myself and followed the game a bit on my phone during the round.

As I saw the Browns were marching down the field in the final minute, I had an excellent couple of shots and put the golf ball five feet from the hole for birdie. As I walked to the green, my friend Don texted me, "Browns!" I knew what that meant, confirmed it with a score check and realized the Browns won for the first time since Nov. 3, 2013 (They lost their final seven games last year).

I converted my birdie putt, finished with an 83, which is the second lowest score of my life, and took the below selfie at that moment:

Due to the recent Browns success, however, things will be changing this Sunday as the Browns take on arch-nemesis Baltimore. DirectTV will be installed in my house this week, and the Browns will be on my Californian television.

Might I still go to the beach or golf during Browns games? Heck, yeah. But could the Browns be back? ... Here we go again.