Dad wisdom sneaks in at Sunset

I stumbled across something unexpected a month ago, and it caught my eye. It was a tiny, makeshift memorial in Sunset Beach.

A handful of rocks and artifacts commemorating lost loved ones scattered among a small garden. The memorial seemed so random, so genuine, so public. It stuck with me, as I continued my walk through Sunset Beach onto Bolsa Chica, a California State Beach.

For my first Father's Day without my daughters, as they went to Taiwan to deliver the ashes of their maternal grandmother, it got me thinking more about my dad and less about me as The World's Greatest Father (tm).

My dad, the XMan, exited planet earth 14 years ago, and his spirit remains in me — forever. Fourteen years later, we have new perspectives, refreshed thinking, and whites says things like, "Oh my God, I didn't even realize Sixteen Candles was racist."

In a passing conversation, I once referred to the death of my dad as a "tragedy," and a good friend of mine questioned that. He asked how old my dad was. He was 63.  Then, he questioned if it really were a tragedy, and in the conversation, I realized I was so privileged that I never had really faced what I term a "profound lost."

"Sixty-three," my friend and journalist Don Jergler said. "That's tragic. That's just young."

Now, Don has a completely different story than me with his dad. Don had an older dad and lost him when he was 22. I lost my dad at age 37. His dad, Don Sr., died at 70 after a bout with lung cancer. He describes his dad as a workaholic and smoker for 30 years. He fought in World War II out of high school and later had a stake in the construction company he was employed.

"His knees were shot from hockey and construction," Don said. "He had always wanted to move to New Mexico, but he never got to enjoy his retirement."

Nor did my dad, the XMan. When he departed in 2011, it was a shock to me and my loved ones. His death came out of nowhere for us and blindsided us. The World's Most Dependable Man, my cousin Steve, was among those shocked, and six years later his mom, my Aunt Chris, passed away. Aunt Chris' passing was not sudden.

The World's Most Dependable Man's dad, my Uncle Steve is 80 now, and he spends a lot with him.

"The thing I think is that he irritates me, gets on my nerves real quick," Cousin Steve said. "I get over that real quick, though, because he's not going to be around forever. I sat with my mom and spent a lot of time with her. I'll never have that time back. And once parents are gone, they're gone. And parents probably can get on our nerves more than anyone."

Pondering my own dad's demise, I turned to my buddy Will Stecher, a history teacher at the high school I've been for 17 years. Will lost his dad at age 13, and after knowing Will for years, I never really asked about his dad and learned a whole side of him I never knew.

"He was only 39," Will said of when his father passed away. "He had juvenile diabetes, and we lost him. ... My dad was a single dad, and my mother was an addict."

As I memorialized my dad, who I love beyond belief, I realized that I was actually fortunate to have such a loving dad for my formative years. Often times, a good dad is hard to find.

Perhaps my XMan was my role model to be such a close presence in Sophie and Chloe's lives. I hope I'm not too close and give them proper space. But I know the love I have for them is felt, and understood, by all. It feels good to know that is felt, realized and accepted. Actually, it turns out these girls have love all around them as stepmom Dina loves them dearly as does their mom.

Back to Will Stecher, who explained to me his upbringing and father figures and where he is today. Will was extremely close with his grandfather and remains close with his dad's younger brother, Uncle George.

"My dad worked hard, all the time, but he was there," Will said. "I think about him every day. He was one of the best men I ever knew. I always think, 'What would my dad do?' ... The best advice I would give to any parent is to be there. Show up. That's what matters most."