Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Psychology today: Way too touchy-feely

The problem with modern-day psychology is that way too much weight is devoted to what patients say. Jeez, will they ever shut up?

Any psychologist worth his salt will simply not listen to his patients and command them on what to do.

"Be a man!"
"Find your inner child."
"Maybe you should just kill yourself!"

Those are the necessary statements a psychologist should say to his properly sedated patient. Sometimes, a patient needs to be slapped. And why the heck are lobotomies outlawed?

I am not exactly sure when psychology took a turn for the worse, but Sigmund Freud had it right. The only proper therapy consists of hard-core, psychoanalysis of pain, struggles and sexual taboos. If the psychologist doesn't smoke a pipe and if it's not done with the patient on a long, austere couch, it simply is quackery.The last depiction of a proper psychoanalyst in pop culture was the Dr. Finch character in Augusten Burroughs' "Running with Scissors." That guy pulled no punches with his patients and even had a room called "The Masturbatorium." Who wouldn't be healed from him?

Unfortunately, the American Psychologist Association (APA) is way too political to implement proper care like that of Dr. Finch. But one day, the field will wake up and realize that all this touchy-feely stuff finally will end.

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