Lucas, we will miss you

Lucas is dead.

Although Corey Haim was found dead today at 38 in what appears to be an accidental drug overdose, many in the Snooze Button Generation may not be shocked. Haim had been in terrible "check yourself before you wreck yourself" shape for years. He is another reminder that child stars often live painful, tragic lives.

But, hey, let's remember Corey Haim for his teen work. I like "Lucas" the best of his roles, but "The Lost Boys" is his most popular film. I don't think Haim ever played an innocent teen after "Lucas." Then, he played heartthrob teens - and that's probably messed up.

A few others of Haim's films are relatively well-known, such as "License to Drive," "Dream a Little Dream" and "Murphy's Romance." Between 1982 and '98, he was in a whopping 32 films. Man, that's a whole lot of obscure stuff.

Less than two years ago, Haim and the other Corey, Corey Feldman - who I once met at a Long Beach Grand Prix and yukked it up with - said in a reputable story that they were sexually abused as children. Around that time, Feldman appeared to be getting healthy. Haim, on the other hand, was not and looked horrible on the duo's reality show "The Two Coreys." Perhaps Lucas died far earlier than today.Man, I can't imagine being a child star. It must stink when you did the thing the Snooze Button Generation will remember you for when you were 14. Then, innocence is lost, and before you know it, so is your life.

Dream a little dream, Corey. Dream a little dream.

Masturbation: Please don't sing about it

Many journalists contend that the more access they have, the better. I subscribe to that idea, but believe a line must be drawn for too much access. I draw that line at knowing a person's masturbatory habits.

Some taboos need to be broken, such as the smell connected to asparagus urine, but self-love may not be one of them. It is not because this taboo is awkward or uncomfortable, but because nearly every song about the subject is horrible.

A lot of people say Cyndi Lauper's 1983 tune "She Bop" is tops when it comes to songs with masturbatory themes. I like "She Bop" more now than when it was released and was unaware of its self-love theme until a knowledgeable friend told me about it. But, quite frankly, I never feel fulfilled listening to "She Bop."

The Divinyls' "I Touch Myself" is the most blatant example that explores this theme, but it is too obvious and an accidental joke song. Other songs, such as Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator," seem to be about self-love if they were about me, but not everyone has my interpretation.With all these mishits with masturbation songs, Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself" has to be the best song with this theme. But here's the rub: Idol has said in interviews that the song is not meant to be about the taboo, but merely about people who dance alone.

My Chewbacca collection: The "greatest" ever

We are all going to die.

That is why I am not a fan of collections. "You can't take it with you," I say. So what is the point of materialism and hoarding items? Collections often are manifestations of obsessive-compulsive stars, and they scare me.

But my Chewbacca collection is different. Over the past two weeks, my Chewbacca collection has had a Renaissance because I have discovered a little-known website titled eBay.com.

My Chewbacca collection has ballooned from nine figures to 15 and a Chewy Frisbee.My Chewy collection is the only collection I have, and I like to think it is not a collection, but a commentary about other collections.

Some collectors make common, grave errors with their collections, and I will not make those mistakes. For example, I do not believe action figures, or any toys, have greater value if they are not opened or played with. Chewies must be used!

I also refuse to pay significant cash for Wookiees (correct spelling). Friends tell me there must be numerous "greater" Chewy collections, but by my criteria, I like mine just fine because I am not a Star Wars geek and consider it "the greatest."

Why Chewbacca? The Wookiee speaks to me. Quirky and hairy, he is an elegant gentleman.

Champagne is being pimped out

As an expert of sophistication, I frequently run across gauche uses of classy items that make me wonder if those items are, indeed, classy. This is the case with limousines, in which they tend to be used as party puke-mobiles and, thus, have been deemed TOTALLY NOT CLASSY by the Snooze Button Generation.

Because of locker-room celebrations and "champagne rooms" in strip clubs, I am wondering if champagne, like limousines, is being misused enough to be considered not classy.

Through extensive Internet and personal research, I have determined that while champagne is frequently misused, it remains classy. However, champagne rooms are definitely not classy.Man, if I were champagne, I'd be pissed off:

Why you gotta pimp me out at your sleazy clubs? I come from France, not a trailer like a lot of your dancers. I bet you use mere sparkling wine in your "champagne rooms," too. I wish I could sue. But what do I know? I'm just a bubbly alcoholic beverage.

Where have all the Crispin Glovers gone?

As Crispin Glover's foot nearly struck David Letterman's face, a shocked and disturbed feeling swept over me while I couldn't stop staring at the TV screen. ... Yeah, man, that was entertaining!

Crispin Glover's 1987 "performance" on "Late Night with David Letterman" is among the most memorable talk show moments to me, and as I reminisce about him threatening Letterman and acting like an eccentric goofball, this question comes up: Where have all the good talk-show guests gone?

A good, controversial talk-show guest should 1) entertain and 2) make the talk-show host feel uber-uncomfortable. Blending those two factors appears extremely difficult because, often times, No. 1 is lost due to No. 2.

Glover did both, though, and Letterman stormed off the set, muttering "I'm going to check on the Top 10."

Cleveland native Harvey Pekar did something similar, but Letterman enjoyed him. Plus, Pekar perhaps was more critical of General Electric, NBC's parent company, than Dave. Pekar made eight appearances on "Late Night," even though G.E. briefly banned him from the show.Andy Kaufman was arguably the first, and best, controversial talk-show guest. My only criticism is that his unconventional antics became expected, and often times, his appearances looked too pre-staged. They were still highly entertaining, but Letterman and other talk-show hosts were at ease with him.So, are there any good controversial talk-show guests nowadays?

I don't think so, though Joaquin Phoenix recently made a captivating, controversial appearance on "Letterman" not so long ago.

Late night TV is dead to most in the Snooze Button Generation because it's failed to develop in accordance with our technology and viewing tastes. Seriously, if someone in the Snooze Button Generation regularly watches late night TV it is because of one of three reasons - 1) routine, 2) that person has somehow failed to discover better entertainment options or 3) nostalgia for Letterman's best years from 1982 to 1993.

Prince's genius: 'How about me in a tub?'

No doubt, the song that made it official "Prince is a mega-superstar" was the 1984 classic "When Doves Cry."

Prince scholars might debate that he turned into a mega-superstar earlier with the release of the 1982 album "1999." That is revisionist history, though, because he really didn't become absolutely HUGE until the film "Purple Rain" and the big hit "When Doves Cry."

Dig if you will this picture.

At one point, music executives had to figure out exactly how Prince would burst onto the scene as a mega-superstar. Thus, the video for "When Doves Cry" was critical, and I imagine there were discussions in a boardroom about the importance of the video.At the boardroom meeting for the "When Doves Cry" video, I imagine executives throwing out idea upon idea of what the opening of the video would be. They probably argued - and fought - about what to do when they finally asked Prince, the artist, what he thought.

Prince presumably muttered six words - and six words only - that gave "When Doves Cry" its vision and launched him into mega-stardom:

"How about me in a tub?"

The executives paused, gawked and applauded the artist briefly known as this:for his insightful expertise.

Asparagus urine connects us all

I have no desire to be gross or shocking, but I believe some taboos should stop. And perhaps no taboo needs to end more than asparagus urine.

Yeah, man, my pee smells totally weird - pungent - after I eat asparagus. This cannot be just me, and through lengthy Internet research, I have discovered that weird-smelling pee from asparagus is common. Marcel Proust even wrote about asparagus and his pee in "Swann's Way," saying it "transforms my chamber pot into a flask of perfume."

Studies from France, China and Israel have concluded that foul-smelling urine from asparagus is a universal human characteristic. ... Wow! We are all connected through asparagus urine!

The study from Israel, though, concluded that while everyone produces bad-smelling pee from asparagus, only 22 percent of people can detect the smell. I definitely am one of those 22 percent. I guess I'm lucky.I am unsure if any food has such an effect on pee more than asparagus, but I also get a weird smell after I eat Super Sugar Crisp or Honey Smacks. I did not find as much information about cereal and pee online, yet I imagine that also is "a universal human characteristic."

The 37th Annual Polish Olympics

If I had won a debate with the XMan 17 years ago, this would be the date for the 37th Annual Polish Olympics.

Instead, I am looking back in nostalgia at one of the greatest events created by mortals - the Polish Olympics. It took place every second Saturday in February in Cleveland from 1974 to 1993.

In 1974, when I was 5 months old, the XMan gathered approximately 25 of his closest friends to play games, eat kielbasa and drink beer in my basement. It was the first Polish Olympics, in which I believe John Sondej, who often wears shorts in wintertime, won. However, it might have been that my Uncle Steve Warner won the first Olympics. I don't recall the exact champ. I was only 5 months old.

The Polish Olympics took off because of its gorgeous blend of Polish cuisine, beer and games. Having more than 40 entrants was the norm, and in the mid-1980s, the event had to be moved to a hall called the Mary Rybicki Building.

The event developed a life of its own and culture, in which some competitors vaguely changed identities for it. I remember that Chuck Withrow, a successful ad man in Cleveland, won the Olympics multiple times and was the Babe Ruth of the Polish Olympics.To win the Olympics was a feat; to win it more than once was godly - partly because luck was a huge factor. In the final Polish Olympics in 1993, the events were darts, dice toss, Facts in Five, penny pitch, poker, Polish bingo, putting, Skittle Bowl, softball throw and Yahtzee.I loved Facts in Five and Skittle Bowl the most because 1) those are cool games and 2) it was the only time of the year anyone would play those games. My least favorite event was putting, and in retrospect, putting was a sign that my parents were transitioning from Polacks to golfers. Also, in retrospect, the running of the Polish Olympics coincided with the running of my childhood. Soon after the Olympics, I graduated college, moved to New York, then L.A.

When the XMan ended the Olympics after 20 installments, I implored him to keep it going, but he said 20 were enough. Maybe it was time to move on.

This many years later, I yearn to bring back the Olympics but do not know if it's possible. I might try some sort of Olympics in Long Beach, Calif., but I don't think the perfect blend of competition, kielbasa and ridiculousness will ever match that for the original 20 Polish Olympics. Na zdrowie!

That doodle can't be un-did, homeskillet!

Six weeks ago, I engaged in the following conversation with an older member of the Snooze Button Generation.

Friend: Did you do anything last night?
Snooze Button Generation: Not much. I got stuck in the web of YouTube, and by the time I got out, it was too late to go out.
Friend: Really? What do you do on YouTube?
SBG: Well, I was looking at Norm MacDonald videos again, and then I found some web-only show Tom Green did ... Wait a second. Do you ever go to YouTube?
Friend: No. But I've been meaning to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really? I may be a bit out of it in some regards, adding unlimited texting to my cell phone plan only a few months ago, for example. But apparently, some SBG members surf the Web but do not experience YouTube. It's kind of like having sex, but not experiencing an orgasm (though I've had girlfriends tell me that's OK. Really? Well, OK then, I'm going to watch the game now.).

Anyway, I had that "how did I not know this?" feeling when I stumbled across urbandictionary.com the other day. How had I never encountered it until then?

He is so sapiosexual that he wanted to cuff the carrot we he saw her sideboob.Without Urban Dictionary, I might not realize that someone who is sapiosexual finds intelligence the most sexy trait, and a sideboob is the sight of a clothed breast.

That's one doodle that can be un-did, homeskillet!

At Urban Dictionary, I also saw the half-your-age-plus-seven rule in print. Some say it is only appropriate to date someone half your age plus seven. Thus, if a 36-year-old dated a 24-year-old, that is inappropriate by one year.

I also saw "dejabrew" in print, though I think it should be "deja brew." Why is it I sometimes have the same thoughts or memories, only when I've been drinking? Well, those are obvious cases of deja brew.

Bud Bowl needs Pee Wee's crew

Every Super Bowl Sunday, a flurry of drunks will ask this question: "Who the heck won the Bud Bowl?"

Arguably the most famous ad campaign in Super Bowl history, the Bud Bowl has not existed since 1997. There were eight Bud Bowls in all, which ran successively from 1989 to '97 with the exception of 1996. Bud has a 6-2 record against Bud Light in the Bud Bowls.

The Bud Bowl was clever the first year, then recycled the same old material during seven other Super Bowls. Most became bored and tired with it, and now I think it's been so far removed, a Bud Bowl commercial or two could work - maybe.

On Deadspin last week, one of the creative forces behind the first Bud Bowl was interviewed. The most interesting fact from that interview was that the animators from "Pee Wee's Playhouse" actually created the Bud Bowl.
Pee Wee's animators did a lot of cool touches, such as a fan (a beer bottle) with the sign "John 3:16" and hippie fans, that were missing in later Bud Bowls. And it wasn't overly easy to produce these commercials. The bottles had to be moved by hand for stop-motion photography, and it took the animators eight hours to create footage for three seconds.

Last year, the Super Bowl commercials were universally considered a letdown, and a bad economy was to blame. Apparently, there was not enough money to come up with original ideas. Perhaps Pee Wee's crew should be contacted.

JAMS suck

A journalist might take offense if someone says this: "Why are you only writing touchy-feely stories? Don't you ever write hard-hitting news?"

Well, if that is a complaint for the Snooze Button Generation, then here's a hard-hitting newsflash:

JAMS suck.

Until now, this blog extolled many components of the Snooze Button Generation that most of us still love, including Atari, Lloyd Dobler, the Replacements and G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

But in reality, not everything from the Snooze Button Generation was positive, and good God, what were we thinking with JAMS? They suck.JAMS got real popular in the late 1980s, even though they were hideous-looking, over-designed Hawaiian shorts. If anyone wore them today, they would either be joking or considered the Corky of the fashion world. No offense to Corky, by the way.

Apparently, JAMS still exist as part of the company Jams World. I find it hard to believe this company is making any money. The website is trying to come off as sophisticated, and the above shorts sell for $80.

Wait, wait, yeah, that's right. They're trying to pull off JAMS as sophisticated.... Good luck with that one!

Online poker: Where everyone's a loser!

Anyone who has spent extended time in Las Vegas or Atlantic City knows that it is impossible to make a living as a "professional gambler."

Beating the house defies the odds, and it is not mathematically reasonable to defy the odds for an extended period of time. I take the problems of gambling a step further by saying that even when you win, you lose. Vegas or Atlantic City will get your money or kill your liver, even if you happen to be up with your gambling money, which is rare.

Anyway, I won $144 in a freeroll on PokerStars Sunday. I was proud because I finished third of 8,485 players, which is really difficult, lucky and incredible, considering I put none of my own money at risk. In this year's World Series of Poker main event, for example, there were a mere 6,494 players.
Here is a copy of the congratulatory e-mail I received:
PokerStars Tournament #235329047, Pot Limit Omaha Hi/Lo Freeroll
8485 players
$2000.00 USD added to the prize pool by PokerStars
Total Prize Pool: $2000.00 USD
Tournament started 2010/01/31 11:00:00 PT [2010/01/31 14:00:00 ET]

Dear ClevelandBoy,
You finished the tournament in 3rd place. A USD 144.00 award has been credited to your Real Money account.
Congratulations!
Thank you for participating.

Here is the rub. Ready?

When I exited the tournament, it had been going on for NINE HOURS! It sounds crazy, and I am not exaggerating.

In other words, I wasted NINE HOURS of a beautiful Sunday in Long Beach, Calif., playing online poker with teenage nerds like this guy:
Officially, I won. But I lost. Mathematically, no one ever wins at gambling.

Jackie Wright: Benny Hill's unsung hero

As a child of age 12, I remember watching "The Benny Hill Show" aside my maternal grandpa. I found no humor in the show's jokes but was mesmerized by the program's scantily clad ladies.

Decades later, I saw "The Benny Hill Show" and finally found some humor in the show with the old bald guy, Jackie Wright.

Apparently, this guy was only 4-foot-11 and had such a thick Irish accent that his words were unintelligible. In other words, he was hilarious. Hill and Wright have been deceased since 1992 and 1989, respectively, and they might have played a role with some members of the Snooze Button Generation.

"The Benny Hill Show" ended in 1989, and that was also the time many in the SBG came of age. Arguably, the end of "Benny Hill" meant the end of innocence.

I believe a show is sometimes only as good as its minor characters. That's why "The Office" is a winner. Merideth, Creed and Stanley on that show have bit parts, but in almost all of their scenes, comedy ensues.

Creed Bratton, who also has the same name in real life, is "the old guy from 'The Office.'" No offense to Jackie Wright, but I found his highlights much more enjoyable than the ones from "Benny Hill."

Parents' visit elicits pain

After three weeks, six illnesses, frequent rain and approximately 45 weather reports from forecaster extraordinaire Jackie Johnson, my parents visit in California has ended.

As usual, I learned many things about life during their stay. Unfortunately, a lot of my lessons came through pain - the pain of the XMan. And maybe that's why humans are special. We sacrifice ouvselves for our youth.

In week one of the parents visit, everyone in my household got violently ill in what we self-diagnosed as swine flu. That was also the time the XMan gave me a complex morality test and asked me to kill him.

In week two, the XMan and my mom went to Tucson, Ariz., where X was attacked by a killer cactus. Apparently, this is no joke. Killer Prickly Pear Cacti exist in Tucson, and the cacti will attack people from many feet away.In week three, rain uncharacteristically pelted the Southland. My parents and I became enthralled by the weather-predicting ways of KCAL-9 weathergal Jackie Johnson, who is on television for three hours per night in Los Angeles.

As we played games with my daughters and had fun despite the rain, we stayed relatively out of pain and trouble - until the last night.

The XMan, nursing a self-diagnosed torn rotator cuff and broken back, slipped out of his chair during a Scrabble game. He had not been drinking at all and claimed that the reason he fell out of his chair was because his shoe was untied. The only major damage to the pratfall was a crushed can of Diet Mountain Dew.

Serrano's work is crap - literally

Whenever I see a breathtaking work of art, I have the same reaction. "That's pretty impressive," I say. "But it's no Piss Christ."

Piss Christ is Andres Serrano's work from 1987 that is a photo of a plastic crucifix in a glass of his urine. It is arguably the most controversial artwork ever - and rightfully so.

I am all for freedom of expression and trying different things in art. But I could see how some might be offended by Piss Christ. In the late '80s, others were offended doubly because the National Endowment for the Arts paid Serrano for peeing in a glass.

When censorship was a popular debate in the late '80s and early '90s, Robert Mapplethorpe's name was more at the center of the debate than Serrano's. Mapplethorpe died in 1989, however, and most of the arguing with him surrounded his homosexual work. To me, Piss Christ takes the cake for controversy.

Is Piss Christ blasphemy or art? I say it's probably either both or neither.

I suppose Mapplethorpe and Piss Christ are back on the Snooze Button Generation's radar because of a new book by Patti Smith called "Just Kids" that's about her close relationship with Mapplethorpe.I am no art expert, but I would imagine that people might criticize Serrano for being a mere shock artist more concerned with gimmicks than art with depth. Au contraire mon frere, Serrano is apparently growing as an artist. In the fall of 2008, Serrano's exhibit titled "S**t" ran in the Yvon Lambert Galleries in New York and Paris. It featured huge photos of poop.

Yeah, Gladwell is a nonfiction superstar

The Baltimore Sun heralds Malcolm Gladwell as "the most original American journalist since Tom Wolfe." The Snooze Button Generation agrees.

With his triumvirate of "Outliers," "Blink" and the lesser "Tipping Point," Gladwell has concocted three nonfiction books that are fascinating and fun reads. I just finished his newer collection "What the Dog Saw" and agree with this assessment from the New York Times Book Review: "In the world of nonfiction writers, Malcolm Gladwell is as close to a singular talent as exists today."Many members of the Snooze Button Generation share an affinity for Gladwell, and unexpected conversations about some of his topics pop up with friends. In particular, I like his counter-intuitive work and how his writing often makes the reader evaluate his ideas.

I had heard a lot of hype for "Blink," but was hesitant because, sometimes, hype has no payoff. Example: "The English Patient." Anyway, "Outliers" and "Blink" look at success and split-second judgment in such an original way that I think they're totally worth the hype.

In his new collection, the stories again are entertaining with angles that are fresh and/or out of the ordinary. By the way, the words "What the Dog Saw" is a reference to a story on Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer.

Why do dogs behave the way they do? Man, so much of it has to do with the body language and attitude of the owner. Dogs are looking for affection, exercise and discipline from their owners. Makes me realize that we humans are a bit doglike, with the possible exception of the inappropriate licking.

Tramp stamps: Real classy

No matter how hard I try not to think about them, tramp stamps remain in my life.

I do not believe I've ever had a girlfriend who actually had a tramp stamp, but curiously, these classy lower back tattoos keep coming up in conversation. As a sensitive and sophisticated male, I once declared, "I need more man jewelry!"

Connected to this plan to adorn myself, I donned temporary tramp stamps in two random cities - Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe. Yeah, that was a self-deprecating joke gone awry - twice.

A lot of people assume one must be a tramp to wear a tramp stamp. However, through extensive Internet research, I have discovered that non-tramps might have them. In fact, one article states that to think that only tramps sport tramp stamps is an example of ignorance gone wild. I also found a website that claims to have pictures of the worst 20 tramp stamps of all-time.

Well, it's not my intention to be judgmental. But whenever I discover a girl who has a tramp stamp, I respond with two words: "All right."

Tramp stamps are so popular that even Barbie, the doll, recently got one.

Right on, Barbie. Unfortunately, Ken probably doesn't appreciate it like he should. As a parent, I have yet to have a tramp stamp conversation (you know, the pros and cons) with my daughters. But recently, the girls were introduced to tramp stamps when Sally from "Cars" flashed hers to Lightning McQueen and he called it a racing stripe.

"All right!"

Meeting sources at bars: Bad idea

"You shouldn't s**t where you eat."

That's a crude phrase that means you shouldn't date where you work. In journalism, I think the same applies to friendships from sources. Thus, I felt self-conscious trading e-mails with Mr. Munch, a friend of Chuck E. Cheese's who has been featured in this blog.

A former Pizza Time Player, Munch resides in Riverside, Calif., and is not that far from Long Beach. After several e-mail exchanges, I learned he loves this Snooze Button Generation blog, Lloyd Dobler and Atari and he recently urged me to meet him at the Pike Restaurant & Bar in Long Beach.

I kind of like the Pike Bar, too, so I thought it would be OK meeting Mr. Munch. Egads, that was a horrible idea!As soon as I arrived at the Pike, Mr. Munch put me in a headlock and then bought me a cocktail. Eventually, I finished my drink, and he bought me another one, saying, "What's wrong with you, Snooze Button boy? Are you a lightweight or what?"

Munch then kept making fun of the patrons at the Pike by referring them as "hipsters," "hipster wannabes" and "hipster doofuses." Embarrassing! Why judge, Munch? Why judge?

Munch urged me to consume more cocktails, and before I knew it, we were doing the Fourth Street Shuffle, hitting the Red Room, Fern's and then the V Room, where I ran into my pals Len and Kris.

"What's going on with the blue ape?" Len asked.

"I don't know," I said. "He used to be a performer at Chuck E. Cheese. Now, I think he's just a drunk."

Thankfully, last call hit at the V Room, and Munch called a cab. He said he was taking the cab to Downey to stay with his friend Pasqually.

Lester Hayes is da man

If there is ever any difficulty in my life, it is obvious what the problem is: Not enough Stickum!

Was there ever a cooler football player than Lester Hayes? The former Oakland/Los Angeles Raider had 13 interceptions in 1980, the year he adorned Stickum all over his hands, body and helmet. No defensive back ever caught more interceptions in a single season, other than Dick "Night Train" Lane. He had 14 for the L.A. Rams in 1952.

The year after Lester had all those interceptions, the NFL outlawed Stickum. He gradually used more and more Stickum throughout his glorious 1980 season, until he was basically a Stickum monster. It is rare for people to become addicted to putting glue on themselves, but this appears to be an obvious case in which it happened.I find individuality hard to find in pro sports. Or when it is found, a lot of times it feels like an act, such as the Cincinnati Bengals' Chad Ochocinco. His antics are so over the top, he reminds of Snooki from "Jersey Shore."

Donning his Kangaroo shoes and Stickum, perhaps Lester could be compared to Snooki, too. But I don't think so. Lester "Snooki" Hayes was not putting on an act.Apparently, Lester Hayes suffered from a stuttering problem, and he let his play - and style - speak for him. He currently lives in Modesto, turns 55 this week and remains one of the Snooze Button Generation's favorite sports stars of all-time.