Friday, September 1, 2017

Love and relationships matter most in life

What a month!

August 2017 turned out to be quite a bombastic month for me and my wife, Dina Stevens, as we got married, went on a honeymoon and then I went back to teaching the week of Aug. 21. Holy whirlwind!

Shortly after the wedding, my Aunt Chris Warner passed away after battling cancer, and I feel fortunate to have seen her the previous month and have had her in my life for all of my years.

What in the world did I learn through all of this life and death, travel, fanfare and wife adding?

Well, although any wise human being may know the following words, I had them play out in front of my eyes: Love and relationships are what matter most in life.

But here's how things get tricky — not that many people hold that value as No. 1 in their life. I notice that in the United States, the economic system is so brutally difficult that many are forced to put money (or offshoots of money, such as "hard work") as No. 1 on their list. In addition, people may philosophically put "love and relationships" as their No. 1 value, but they do not know how to match their actions with that philosophy.

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's easier to love in places like Italy, France and Spain, where art, poetry, music and literature are valued more than in the United States. Again, I could be wrong, but I associate love with the aforementioned humanities, while I don't necessarily do that with many things American, including Wal-Mart, gas stations, freeways, the violent tweets of "President" Donald Trump and commerce in general.

What I'm attempting to say is that valuing "love and relationships" could be counterculture to the NFL-loving, military-first values of 'Merica. Even though I say it may be totally reasonable to value "love and relationships" more than anything else, I certainly expect to be laughed out of any respectable Exxon-Mobile board meeting. But who am I to judge? It turns out that Americans' value systems are all over the map as to what they care about.

I learned that easily when I did a value exercise with my fellow educators when I got a master's this past year. We did an exercise that had each individual choose three values of 30 that we think are most important in the workplace. I went with honesty, integrity and health. It turns out that hardly any of my 30 colleagues had any of those three, yet alone the same three values. Nobody did.

At first, I was thinking, "These people are crazy!" But then, I realized that our values are unique, special to us and good luck on finding others with the same values. And — segue — that's what I learned this past month.
Jackpot! I have not only found a spouse with similar values, but I have found someone I trust, love and has my back at all times. I found the yin to my yang.

But my wedding was also a defining moment for me because it made me confirm what I value most in life and why every so often I have relationships that are disappointing to me. It's because I typically value my relationships more than the other person. C'est la vie. At least that knowledge helps me understand what often happens to me in my personal and professional life. I'm no longer disappointed when others don't match my level of caring in relationships. I care more than you, and that's who I am.

But not in my marriage. We care equally, mutually, each day and every night. Who knew that it took an Ohio State graduate to find this in, yuk, a Michigan grad?

I'm not sure if I'll live into my 90s to celebrate 50 years of marriage, but I hope I do. And when Dina and I make it that far, I hope that we realize that our honeymoon wasn't just August 2017. But rather, it was all of those years, all the way to 2067.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Oral skills and dating: The keys to marriage

In three August days, I will wed the woman I love — Dina (soon to be) Stevens.

Of course, a second marriage is different from a first one. We both have a lot more wisdom now and understand how love and marriage grows. For me, I have a deeper understanding of — and feeling of — my emotions. Thank God for that!

"Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" may be a cliche by now, but in so many relationships, I have seen that there is major truth to that. One major difference I have seen between men and women is that men do not mind unsolicited advice, while women loathe it. It is a similar phenomenon as how women don't mind asking for directions whatsoever, while men would prefer to be lost for another hour rather than ask.

On the verge of my second and final marriage, I offer the top five updated tips of advice for husbands and potential husbands in 2017. We live in an fast-paced, ever-evolving, image-heavy, perception-driven culture in which the reality of being a husband often isn't discussed. A lot of new brides and grooms are focused much more on their wedding day than their marriage. A lot of expectant parents are more focused on their child's birth as opposed to what it means to take care of an infant.

So, guys, husbands and husbands-to-be, here are my top words of wisdom for your much-needed unsolicited advice:

1. Don't get married!
Yes, that might seem like crazy advice three days before my own wedding. But so many husbands overlook major red flags that are deal breakers. Does she want to change you? Are you just playing the role of husband in her life plan, or does she uniquely love you?

Nowadays, I say meeting a potential mate for people with their stuff together is easier than ever because of ONLINE DATING. But it's also critical to distinguish between what is a legitimate red flag and what is a legitimate "typical'' problem that we all have and can be addressed and understood. Sone online daters profiles are red flags in their own; thank God for that!

2. Keep dating
Huh? What? Keep dating?!? Well, just because brides and grooms transform into husbands and wives, they still must keep dating and keep the romance going (of course to each other!). If not, they will wonder why life slowly becomes miserable.

3. Oral skills
I can't overstate the importance of using one's mouth — and ears — to communicate! You absolutely must listen and understand the other person, and gender.

4. Listen first
Just as Magic Johnson and John Stockton were pass-first point guards, a husband needs to be a listen-first communicator. This advice goes back to the "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus" insights. Many times, men communicate literally, and women communicate emotionally. Often times, couples are not at all in the same realm when they communicate. The wise husband understands, and knows, when to enter and stay in the wife's communication realm.

5. Venn diagrams
I believe that all human beings are Venn diagrams when compared with other human beings. We match in certain points and maybe not so much in others. In life, perhaps with all relationships and especially in a marriage, we must accentuate what we have in common and build on that. When it comes to similar interests and things you like, hit that up! There is always something all couples can agree upon!